If wishes were horses 

I found this in my phone from a couple months ago and I thought I’d share 

I’m beginning to not have time for doubt. Seriously. All I’ve ever wanted to do in my life is make a living with my horses. I have a talent. It’s all I’ve ever wanted
Yesterday I had the opportunity to scribe for an AQHA judge in Lexington, Va. I really enjoyed it and talking with him. I learned a lot and he was so so kind about learning and took time to explain. 
I’m not really sure where exactly in our conversation where I decided that I can’t do anything other than this. I’ve know it all along, but I’ve always been to scared with the risks this business brings to admit it to myself. 

 

I’ve been accepted into a few big schools all for me to come down to this and say; I’m not going. I want to. My mother will kill me when I tell her. But I want horses. We only get one shot at this life. So why spend mine studying for a test or pounding vocabulary terms into my head? When what I want is right in front of me?
I do not come from money. I’ve never had a trainer. All the horses I’ve ridden and shown were what they were because of the time I put into them. I don’t work at big barn. I don’t know any trainers for what I want do. I have very few connections in the horse world. Very few. None really if I’m honest. 

But I am ready. I’m ready to learn and grow. I’m ready to work long hrs and not get paid. To fight for what I want. I’m ready for the blood sweat and tears that come with it all for someone else to enter the arena on a horse I spend hours on. I’m ready for some trainer to yell at me and tell me what I did wrong because I want this. 

I want to have a life that I deserve. I want to be happy. I don’t have to make a big difference in the world. I’ll be ok if I never make it a horse trainer, or judge. But what I will not be ok with is not trying nor the though of what if. 

I want kids to be able to come to my barn and learn to ride. To grow up there on the backs of horses. To win, but more importantly loose. So they will want to work even harder. To be an inspiration to the horse crazy kids. To worry how I’m gonna pay bills the next month because things are kinda tight. But all that is worth if I’m happy? 
I started this saying I don’t have time for doubt. I doubt myself every day of my life. Every day. I don’t have time for that now if I’m going to do this. How can I? If I keep doubting myself and wondering how can I do this then I will never ever make it. I don’t want to be on my death bed and have regrets of not living the life I wanted to live. So, I guess if it’s in Gods will I will able to do this, and if not, there are only bigger, and better things ahead. 
“Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire”

Thankful for the nose in my armpit

One of my new years resolutions was to write at least one blog post a month. The goal being that at the end of the year I can look back and see how/what I was doing. Its been hard lately to write, mainly because I have been avoiding my feelings towards everything lately, and because as I lie on my bed trying to type my dog is currently cuddled up under my arm making it hard to type.

So with Mesas nose in my armpit, I am thankful. I am thankful for my sweet girl, that no matter how many times she runs off I love her just the same. I am thankful for a good warm house, food and clothing with all the snow we have (16in).  I am thankful for my family and friends. I am also thankful for being able to get an education. While this is going to be a challenging semester( And I still have no idea what I want to do.… Stuck between nursing and teaching… I see promise and purpose in both.) I am grateful for the opportunity to go to college. And as always, I’m thankful for my ponies.

A few of my friends took a mission trip at the beginning of this month. Seeing what they have posted about their encounters while on their trip made me realize just how   lucky we are. And while I am thankful for ‘small things’ and am also grateful for the person that God is making me to be. A year ago I couldn’t say that. I am grateful for my struggle. I am grateful for the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me. Without it I wouldn’t be on this journey, I probably wouldn’t even have a blog right now. I wouldn’t be able to see where I need to grow. I wouldn’t know my weaknesses and my strengths.

I am trying to find silver linings. I may not see ‘big’ reasons why this happened to me. I haven’t found the thing that is screaming out “This is it! This is your silver lining!”, but this whole thing has made me grateful. It’s the little things. The ‘silver developments’.

Colossians 3:15

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

 

I believe

I haven’t written in quite a while.. Hopefully I can write some over break as soon as exams are done, with that being said I have decided to post this, a scholarship essay I wrote. This is different than what my blog was originally made to be about but I thought this would be a breathe of fresh air so to speak. If you read this and are in FFA feel free to use this a helpful reference but PLEASE DO NOT take this. This work is mine and I am proud of it.

 

“I believe in the future of agriculture with a faith born not of words but of deeds”… These words from the FFA Creed written in 1930 by E.M. Tiffany surely ring true for Pulaski County, and myself. As I attend New River in the fall I know that I am that much closer to obtaining my goal as becoming an Agriculture Educator. With the recent news of my win for the Virginia State FFA Association Agriculture Education Proficiency Award, I believe that my career choice will empower other young agriculturists to become more involved in the field, just as my agriculture teachers have done for myself. With becoming an agriculture educator I hope to provide a strong foundation for Virginias’ youth and develop their potential for premier leadership, personal growth, and career success, just as the FFA mission statement states.
As Pulaski County continues to grow and develop in agriculture technologies I see nothing but great things to come for the agriculture community. With the development of such strong leaders the FFA and Livestock Club have in their programs proves this to be true. With Pulaski County having such a strong recent growth in dairy technologies and milking parlors I know Pulaski County is going to continue to grow and employ people within these fields. With developments in precision agriculture I believe Virginia will continue to grow and develop products made with “precision” for the betterment of the consumer. As Virginias’ horse industry continues to grow and bring in over 1.2 billion dollars to the Virginia economy annually, Virginia is the opportune place for an equine enthusiast. Along with the equine industry, broilers, cattle, dairy products, horticulture, and turkeys along with other commodities the agriculture industry brings in over fifty-five billon dollars annually to Virginia, and this will only continue to grow in future years.
As seen at the 87th Annual National FFA Convention this past October held in Louisville, KY, FFA membership is at an all time high. This proves that America has a young generation of agriculture enthusiasts ready to make a difference. Agriculture is the backbone of America. Without agriculture, the American people would go hungry, naked, and not have a home, thankfully FFA members see this need and will continue to show and share their passion with other FFA members. I believe agriculture jobs will continue to grow due to the American population continuing to grow. I believe that FFA and 4H members hold the keys to new developments in agriculture and will have a strong base of leadership, communication, and teamwork skills ready to lead American agriculture into the future, which is ever so bright.

The Pink Panther

“And that slave who knew his master’s will and did not get ready or act in accord with his will, will receive many lashes, but the one who did not know it, and committed deeds worthy of a flogging, will receive but few” – Luke 12:47-48

Either way we are going to get hurt. The beating of life is going to happen. One thing about getting beaten is that we eventually get numb to it; we know what to expect. I’m very guilty of not stepping out of my comfort zone. I’d much rather play it safe and be able to handle this “familiar pain” rather than branch out and try to stretch and grow. The funny thing about both of these scenarios is that either way you’re hurting yourself.

When I was little we used to get spankings if we did something wrong. At the time it happened we were always upset, crying, pleading no, and anticipating the feel of the paddle coming down on our butt. (My sister an I called the paddle ‘The Pink Panther’)  At the time it hurt, but now I am grateful it happened. Getting spanked pushed me to do better and made me grow. It made me learn from my mistakes. Now… I wonder if thats what God is doing to us… Every time we get beaten down or hurt its to stretch us and grow us? I think this is true. We grow into the people he created us to be. Every time someone hurts us it’s to help us… right?

Now, my problem is that it’s really hard for me to see my pain that way. I am so used to being numb and in my comfortable little shell that I don’t want to try to branch back out or learn from what I’ve done. We open up only to get hurt again… and maybe thats ok. Maybe that means it’s not our time. That we still have more growing, learning, and bettering ourselves to do before we can ever get into a relationship and get back out in the world. Maybe it’s ok to be numb again. Maybe it’s ok ONLY if you take that time to better yourself.

I don’t think we should ever be the same person twice. Everyday we wake up anew. The person we are today is better than who we were yesterday. At least thats what I have to keep telling myself on this journey… I may not see it ( most of the time I never do) but I have to take it in baby steps. I’m pretty positive that I got that mentality from riding colts so much. When I put 30 days on a horse I never make a goal of wanting it to do this, this, this, and this at the end of the month. My goal is always simply to make it better horse each day I put my leg across his back.  I get more out of it that way. I see things in the horse that most people don’t notice… and thats whats nice. I get to get inside a horses head. I can read them. I see their progress in their brain so to speak sometimes before I even see it physically. Its just a feeling, a look, and connection that you get.

The things I can see in horses, are quite possibly what God sees in us. I see horses way differently than most… God sees us way differently than most of our friends do. All these ‘beatings’ are for our good. God can see the mental change before we can really see one ourselves… and thats beautiful in my opinion.

There is only one problem with this… Sometimes we get frustrated with God when we don’t see this change in ourselves. We get blow after blow after blow and we want to give up. But things are changing inside us before we see them change on the outside. There is a certain fear I have of not ever being good enough. Getting ripped down by people that are close to you hurts… and thats ok. Its all part of it.

I’ve been told I’m crazy; and not in the just kidding way either. Lots of problems that I have come from my emotional scars and things that I couldn’t control. Since “I’m crazy”,I like learning about the brain. It always has intrigued me. I like knowing why we do what we do. Fun Fact–The amygdala is linked to the parts of the brain that govern your senses, muscles and hormones — enabling your body to react quickly to the sight or sound of a threat, aka fear.… The same information can also travel via the cortex, where it is put together to get the whole picture… the whole picture that we can’t see, but God can.

One of my good friends used to tell me that FEAR stood for Face Everything And Rise. So, the way I see it we can either be so scared of getting beaten by life that we try to hide from it (me) or we can embrace our beatings and hold onto knowing that they are only to make us better. (The me that I want to be.)

Thank you for hurting me

Memories of us float around in my head. Things I didn’t think about before. Like wanting to text you and tell you about my day. The way our friendship first started out. When you’d text me good morning. It’s a hard pill to swallow when I don’t get those anymore and never will again. I did it to myself.  But then again he did it to himself too. Always always cheating on me. Still I stayed because I loved him. Loved. It’s hard to accept that I loved him. Loved. Past tense. There is no more going to be able to love him. Sure I can love him from afar and always will. But I can’t love him like we wanted. Well, I wanted. 

What if we were together. Could I trust him that he wouldn’t cheat on me?  Or would it just have been a never ending cycle saying he’d change?  Maybe it’s a good thing that it ended like it did. And how it did. Maybe I saved myself from a hurt much much worse later on in the future.  

In lots of ways I’m grateful to him. I learned love at such a young age. I’m grateful for the things he taught me.  I stepped into whole new world of love, lust and probably in more ways than I know. I also thank him for letting me grow. Pat always said that “you’ll out grow me” In a way I can sorta understand that. He was a stepping stone. A building block. A hurt I had to go thru only to realize how strong I could be. I did outgrow him. It may have taken me longer than it should have to realize than what was happening wasn’t right and for me to accept the fact that we couldn’t be together no matter how hard I tried. I had to learn how to love from a far and then again I loved him so close, deeply and madly. 

Each day is a new day. A new day for growth. Change. Learning. Loving. Living. And it’s also a day for me to say thank you to the man that hurt me because without him, I wouldn’t even know that I can and will eventually conquer my demons. 

Nothing separates us

A couple months ago I had a talk with my preacher. While we don’t go to church that much, he knew something was wrong when I asked to speak with him. I told him about what I was dealing with and to be complete honest, he wasn’t that much help. He was very taken back and speechless with what I told him. I probably would’ve been too if someone had told me what I told him as well.  While he didn’t have the answers to questions I asked, he did give me this,

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

At first I kinda rolled my eyes silently to myself, thinking this conversation was just a bust. I didn’t think much of it after we had talked. However, yesterday I read the same verse that he had given to me on my daily bible app verse on my phone. I remembered him telling me this verse, as I told him how guilty I felt.

I’ve thought about this verse the past couple days, and I have come to this conclusion, no matter what you do God will always love you, and never leave you. I  don’t think God is mad at me anymore, he never was. I was just mad at myself. God already knows what the next word I type will be, what I’ll do tomorrow, what I’ll eat for breakfast in the morning, who I’ll marry AND the mistakes I will make.

He knows we all are going to mess up. We might cuss a little, sleep around, flip someone off in traffic, but he already knows that. We’re going to make to mistakes. But you also have to realize that you’re still here. If he had no use for you anymore, you’d be dead. Each breathe you take is a sign he’s not giving up on you. You’re his daughter or his son. What kind of father would give up on their own children? He hasn’t given up on me, so maybe I shouldn’t either.

I’ve also kinda interrupted this verse as if God can be ok with my mistakes, then maybe I should be too. I also think it means that he forgives us for everything we’ve done, and what we are going to do. If he can forgive everyone in the world, then why can’t I forgive myself? It’s not that I’m not trying. I forgave my abuser the second after it happened. I feel sorry for him. I never thought twice about forgiving him. Maybe its because I love him, or because he brainwashed me into thinking it was right. I don’t know, but I forgave him. Its time to forgive myself. Everyday when I look in the mirror I see regret. I have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing. That this isn’t my fault. It’s hard to forgive myself. But I know I have to.

Lately I’ve begun to explore the possibly of what if the tables had have been turned? What if he said something and it wasn’t me? Would I still feel this shame and guilt that I do today, probably not? Sure I’d be embarrassed but I don’t think I would be on medications or in therapy. But you know, I’m beginning to become ok with that. Maybe the reward in all this isn’t the destination of getting better, it’s simply the journey.  Because of this, I think I’ve become a better person, and I hope thats the case for him as well. I didn’t give myself the benefit of the doubt that maybe somewhere deep down I had to have known that eventually the truth would come out.  It’s going to be ok. I have no choice but to keep telling myself that.

The Voice 

I hate you. I wish I had never met you. How could do this to me? How could I have been so dumb? I don’t even know what real love feels like. I know what being in love feels like because I was in love with you. But you weren’t with me. I gave you my heart but you took my soul. We were engaged for Gods sake. And then you betrayed me time after time after time. But I stayed. I stayed because I was scared. Scared he would hurt me. Scared he would hurt himself. Stayed because I loved him. Stayed because I believed there was hope and he would change. It only got worse. His old girlfriend came to town and he started hanging out with her. I was no longer number one, but thinking about it now, I never ever was.  

I don’t even know what to call it. It wasn’t a relationship. It was being used and hurt repeatly time after time.   It was him taking advantage of my youth, and being so nieve. I couldn’t even make my own choices with out him. My decisions were mad for me. I had no choice but to go only with what he wanted. It was a abuse. I just releized that about year ago. It’s still a hard pill to swallow. It was love for me. It was a game for him. It was all a big game. We were never on the same level. 

Sometimes I’m glad I spoke up, others I’m not. It’s battle everyday. But I’m not were was I was before this happened. I’m not the girl I used to be. I’m different. I’ve changed. 

Over time I gradually became a better version of myself. I can’t go back to who I was before the relationship. Too much has happened. Instead I became stronger, wiser, and more determined to live the life I wanted. I want to be a voice, not a victim.