‘That Girl’

I keep thinking about the Stanford Rape Case. That girl. Part of me doesn’t  want to write this. Part of me does. 
When my story broke; it broke me inside. I can’t image what she’s going through. My heart breaks for her. But it also breaks for me too. My life was changed too. Part of me promised myself that I would never ever comment/write/share anything about a sexual assault case or rape or God forbid sexual abuse.. Because I knew how it felt. That girl deserves her privacy. To grieve. To be mad. To cry. To attemp to find whatever “normal” is. But thing this nothing will ever be the same. The effects of this last forever. The pain will fade to a slow dull but the pain is there.I didn’t want to comment about it because I know how that girl feels. Exactly how. The guilt, shame, embarrassment.. I could go on and on. I’m not going to type it out onto a blog post that will probably never be read by her. But I know. See, the thing is that with victims of these crimes we don’t have to explain. Sometimes it’s just a look. Or a hug. Or the silence that we share while the rest of the world continues life.  

I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real. That this didn’t happen. That I was in a nightmare. I’m so proud of her for facing this head on. I’m thankful for the words she wrote; for she speaks for more victims than she realizes. I pray for that girl, her family, her future and probably most importantly her faith in God. She said things in her statement that I couldn’t write but I still feel to this day.  

Please read the full statement here: I have insurted some quotes that really resonated with me and my story. https://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra?utm_term=.ahZKo3Kx#.pxakLvka 

“I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed questions that dissected my personal life, love life,
past life, family life, inane questions, accumulating trivial details”


You should have never done this to me. Secondly, you should have never made me fight so long to tell you, you should have never done this to me. But here we are. The damage is done, no one can undo it.” 

“To the girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you.”

Thank you my fellow survivor for standing up. Thank you. 
That girl is saving someone with her bravery. She’s braver than me. 

P.S. If you ever read this, I think we should seriously discuss writing a book together.

Secret Love

Proverbs 27:5 says ” Open rebuke is better than secret love”

I’m trying to come to terms with that. At first I didn’t know what rebuke mean so I looked it up. Rebuke means to express sharp disapproval or criticism because of their behavior or actions.

I’m starting to believe that if there is a presence of fear, then you’re not operating in love. ( I think this applies to more than just my situation…Momma are you listening?)

I was in fear of telling people who I loved, and the consequences that could come with that. I knew he loved me. I never questioned that. Ever. I was in fear of judgement, and what people would say about me and my situation, and probably most importantly I was scared of losing him. Now my Momma, God love her soul, isn’t scared of telling people. She’s simply scared of a love and pain from a man she doesn’t deserve. (Mainly more pain is caused than love if you ask me.)  You shouldn’t have to fear someone you love, or the consequences that could come from loving them. To me, that isn’t true love.

Love is finding someone you can tell anything to, and not fear them. You don’t have to worry about them standing beside you, even if you’re wrong. You smile at the thought of them. You have more good memories than bad..(Momma do you?) You love more than you fight. You aren’t put down by the other person. You have an equal say in the relationship.

Now I can honestly say that I am scared of love and being in love because of things that have happened to me. But then again, isn’t everybody a little scared of love, because of what has happened to them?  If someone can love the broken pieces of you then you might have found a good one.  In time I will not be scared of loving. And on that note, if you can love the broken pieces of yourself, then you’ve found a good one too, because you love you. And that makes you a good one.

Owning It

Theres two different people inside me. One wants to change the world, tell my story, be brave, write books and make a difference. The other one wants to hide from the world, to not face my problems, to be too scared it might hurt to talk about, but it could also possibly heal at the same time. I struggle with finding the happy medium between them. I don’t know wish person I want to be. Sometimes I want to hide, other times I want to shine. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to figure out which on I want to be. But I do know this, either way it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt if I talk, it’s going to hurt if I hide.

Does it always hurt like this? I don’t know. I wish I knew but I don’t. Either way you’ll do yourself a disservice. You can hide from the pain, or you can face it. Both have their pros and cons. If you hide, you will never heal, never understand, never process, never let go and, live the same day over and over again for the rest of your life.  Or you can face it. If you face it, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to turn your world upside down, you’re not going to know who you are anymore, you’re going to wonder if you did the right thing, you’ll worry about what people say. I’m somewhere in the middle of that. I want to speak up, but my voice is shaking.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”- Brene Brown

It took a lot of courage to start this blog. I almost didn’t do it. The thought of having to read mean comments is not something that I want to have to do when my self-esteem is already low, but I guess thats just the risk you take by posting on social media. However, I feel like if I didn’t start this blog, then what good is what happened to me going to do? It turned my life upside down. It’s going to happen to someone else. It’s happening to someone else right now. If you’re reading this, and it sounds anything like you, RUN. You’ve got so much to live for. You have too much potential to waste on someone who is unworthy of you. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to hurt, you gonna wanna go back, you’ll probably even be a little scared. This is not your fault this happened to you. No matter what people say, It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose this. You didn’t ask for this.

Now don’t get me wrong, we are all victims and we have every right to grieve for ourselves. But we can’t play the victim card forever. Sure we are all going to have things that are harder for us than for other people because this happened. Sure we may not always be exactly “right.” I’m being to find out that self pity is like quick sand. The more you say poor me, the deeper you get drug down. Now you have every right to be mad, and hurt, and cry, and yell, and want revenge, and wonder why this happened to you. You are a victim. But you have no right to stay in the “victim phase” forever. This is always going to be a part of your live. You can’t change that. But you can choose how long you feel sorry for yourself. You stay in the victim phase as long as it takes to heal, they get your ass up.

This is what has helped me the most is that I don’t want Pat to win. Right now you may have a ‘Pat’ in your life thats winning over something, it doesn’t have to be a relationship. Your Pat will still have a hold on you even if you got out of the relationship. You can’t let him win. He’s won long enough. Even if it’s years from being away from the abuse, and you still won’t open up to people that want to help you, He’s winning.

The hardest thing for me is freeing my mind from all this. Sure the damage that was done to body is no longer there. But theres still scars. The first thing your abuser will do is get control of your mind. Once he/she has that, they have everything. They pretty much brainwash you into thinking that they are superior to you, and everything they say is “Gods Word”. You gotta get em out of your head. I’ve heard it said that ,”You have to be very careful of what you put into that head of yours because you can never get it out”. I think parts of that are true. Yes, you need to be careful with what information you put in your head. But if you try hard enough you can get it out. Take 10 mins every night before you go to bed and write down how you feel. You gotta get it out somehow. I don’t care what you do with the paper afterwards, burn it, keep it, blow your nose in it. It doesn’t matter, as long as its out of system.

Only the strong survive

The future looked so bright, but only if I had know that I was slowly draining the light out of myself by being with someone who was so dark and cold.

I shut people out. I can’t help it. It’s the very first thing I do the minute someone tries to talk to me. I want attention, then as soon as I get it I want it to go away.  I don’t know why I do this. Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt so many times in the past I don’t want to take the risk again.Maybe time will heal that, but maybe it won’t. I think I will always have a fear of getting close to someone. Part of me is ok with that. Part of me has accepted the loneliness and the possibly that I may never get to have a happy marriage and kids that I have always wanted.  All because of one thing, him. ( I think he needs a name so I will try to refer to him as Pat from now on.) I won’t open up. Back in September, I had a boy that I really liked in one of my college classes. He liked me too and we started talking. It was great for the first couple weeks. He was everything I had dreamed of and more. He was also the first person that I told what had happened after I first came out about it. We had common interests, and wanted the same things. It seemed like I had finally found someone who got it,who got me. My mother and his mother are close friends, so therefor I knew his Mom and absolutely loved her before we even started trying to make it more. I still call her my second Mom. I really really liked him. We did things that made me feel like a normal person, someone who wasn’t abused. He treated me like I was supposed to be treated. It was all good, until he said he wasn’t over his ex, and while that very well be true, I think he was scared to get close to me. So we stopped talking. It hurt me. I liked him, I still do. I’m not mad at him. I understand.

I recently had an old friend of mine reconnect with me of Facebook. We used to be so close, then we moved schools, and never really spoke afterwords. We have talked some, but not near as much as I have wanted. And thats my fault. It’s not because my friend hasn’t tried, its because of me. The tables had turned on me. At first it was a boy I really liked got scared, and now it was me. I just can’t open up.

Its like a line from a song,” I don’t want to make up, just to fall apart again”. Pat did a number on me. Theres things I used to do that I don’t anymore. Things that I thought I had figured out, but I no longer do. Its like I’m having to start from scratch. And what really sucks about it, is I never really  knew who I was before. I don’t have anyone to compare myself too.All I have are some foggy then so vivid memories that play in my head like a slow sad song. All I have is what he said I was, but he lied about so many things so I’m pretty sure that he lied about who I was too.   So so young. It was only my second kiss. My first love. My first heartbreak.  I think the reason that I am so shut off from everyone is because I hid this “relationship” for years. I couldn’t tell anyone about it, or say anything because I didn’t want to suffer the consequences. I felt like Pat was ashamed of me. I didn’t have any friends in high school. I ate my lunch in the bathroom. I didn’t go to homecoming, prom, the sleepovers with girlfriends, the bonfires, the football games. Nothing.I lived in the shadows, but prayed for the light.  Part of me doesn’t blame Pat for that. Part of me blames myself. Then some of me blames him.

After we broke up, I got over it, at least I thought I did. I was mad. I was hurt, but also knew it was for the best. And after the first month or so I began to realize that I was much happier without him. I didn’t have to worry about if he was lying to me, who he was sleeping with while being “in love” with me, or if was going to drink and drug himself into the oblivion. I never said anything for two years. I didn’t think their was anything really wrong about it. To me it was just a relationship that had failed. It happens to everyone, even to the people who you think have it all. When I ended up saying something, I thought it was just a conversation with a friend. But it wasn’t. It was a moment that changed my life forever. Before those seven words came out of my mouth, my gut told me not to say anything, but I did. I will never know why I did right then and there. From there it was police interviews, having to tell my parents, lawyers, writing down everything that happened in great gruesome details, court days, testimonies. I’m still grieving over a life I thought I was going to have. We were engaged. (At least that what he said.) The future looked so bright, but only if I had know that I was slowly draining the light out of myself by being with someone who was so dark and cold.

At first, I didn’t believe it was the right thing to do. It felt like I had betrayed myself. I hurt his family, his daughter, I changed his life. But the truth is he did it to himself. Yes, I am the one that opened my mouth, but he committed the crimes. From the outside looking in, lots of people would say it’s not my fault, that I was just a kid. But I feel so much guilt everyday of my life its unreal. It’s slowly killing me. It’s the first thought in my head in the morning, and the last one when I go to sleep.  People say I’m getting better, but I’m so afraid that I’m falling back into the lies that I fed myself when I thought I was ok. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe its just the medication. Maybe I’m not.

I’ve heard it said “Only the strong survive”. I think thats all they do is survive. They don’t live. They are just simply too scared to. I am guilty of this.                                                                                             All I know is I don’t want to survive anymore. I want to live. It may take the rest of my life, but I’m going to live.