Two Candles

Now, I’m trying to not to get my hopes up, but I’d be lying to myself if I said that I wasn’t really, really hoping to get my answers and to find my closure on this long painful road I’ve been walking

In the living room right now I’ve got two candles burning. One is flickering and the other is just a solid flame. For some reason they are reminding me of me.maxresdefault

The past few days I’ve been in totally different mindset, and to be honest I liked it. It was a time when I was happy and loved. It was a time when he was around. The times he made me so happy, loved, cared for, and important. I’ve made the decision to talk to him. Now some people (ok a lot of people) are against it. And I get where they are coming from. It’s a risky move. I wonder if I’m going to relapse. If all the progress I’ve made is just going to go down the drain. It scares me. But I have to do this for me. From the beginning I’ve said this, now two years later I still want to. Correction. I need to.. I also am trying to remind myself of all the bad times we also had. Right now I’m not sure if the good out weighed the bad or vise versa. I have to remember all the fights, the cheating, the hurt, crying all day. Not even knowing if I could make it the day we had fight. I would keep my checking my phone waiting for a text from him. And each time I didn’t have one ,my eyes burning and my heart hurting a little bit more.

I think the flickering candle is me and my feelings about it all. Some days I feel one way, while others I feel differently. I wish I could say that I had a definite way I felt, but I don’t. I know that thinking of it everyday is probably not the best thing to be doing, but its hard when the flashbacks come. I need to quit pushing myself to make a decision on how I feel and just let time find it for me.

The other candle is just the solid flame. In a weird way, I think it’s trying to tell me that this is never going to go away if I don’t try to  talk to him. I also thing it’s kinda showing me how I’ve learned to stand by myself, and how I’ve found more and more of myself on this journey. I’m learning more and more about the core of myself, my beliefs, feelings toward certain things, and the person I want to be.  I’m proud of me. I didn’t ever think I’d make it this far. Some days are hard, some days are ok, and some days are good.

Job 17:9  The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.

Proverbs 4:18  The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day.

 

 

 

Silver Linings.

P.S. The whole time I’ve been writing this, the candles have been doing the same thing I said in the beginning of this post.

 

 

 

‘That Girl’

I keep thinking about the Stanford Rape Case. That girl. Part of me doesn’t  want to write this. Part of me does. 
When my story broke; it broke me inside. I can’t image what she’s going through. My heart breaks for her. But it also breaks for me too. My life was changed too. Part of me promised myself that I would never ever comment/write/share anything about a sexual assault case or rape or God forbid sexual abuse.. Because I knew how it felt. That girl deserves her privacy. To grieve. To be mad. To cry. To attemp to find whatever “normal” is. But thing this nothing will ever be the same. The effects of this last forever. The pain will fade to a slow dull but the pain is there.I didn’t want to comment about it because I know how that girl feels. Exactly how. The guilt, shame, embarrassment.. I could go on and on. I’m not going to type it out onto a blog post that will probably never be read by her. But I know. See, the thing is that with victims of these crimes we don’t have to explain. Sometimes it’s just a look. Or a hug. Or the silence that we share while the rest of the world continues life.  

I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real. That this didn’t happen. That I was in a nightmare. I’m so proud of her for facing this head on. I’m thankful for the words she wrote; for she speaks for more victims than she realizes. I pray for that girl, her family, her future and probably most importantly her faith in God. She said things in her statement that I couldn’t write but I still feel to this day.  

Please read the full statement here: I have insurted some quotes that really resonated with me and my story. https://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra?utm_term=.ahZKo3Kx#.pxakLvka 

“I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed questions that dissected my personal life, love life,
past life, family life, inane questions, accumulating trivial details”


You should have never done this to me. Secondly, you should have never made me fight so long to tell you, you should have never done this to me. But here we are. The damage is done, no one can undo it.” 

“To the girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you.”

Thank you my fellow survivor for standing up. Thank you. 
That girl is saving someone with her bravery. She’s braver than me. 

P.S. If you ever read this, I think we should seriously discuss writing a book together.

Art that went to my heart

I wish I knew what to write this month. I don’t seem to have words. A lot has happened. (All of which have been good things!) I’ve been busy. My mind is busy. I wish I could say that this blog post is going to be the best I can write, but it’s not.

A couple weeks ago my art professor was discussing a piece and she said she thought the artist meant to say ‘Don’t the accident define you; define the accident.” By the way  the colors and subject matter were depicted.  I really liked how she worded it. A lot.

I’m trying to define the accident. At first I let the accident define me. For two years I set and wallowed and hurt and cried all because of my abuse. Now I realize that abuse effects everyone different. I used mine as a way to stay away from the world; only to find that I was just hurting myself even more. There are bad days. It’s not fun. I have scars. I go to a shrink every week. And that’s finally ok with me. I’m not crazy. Just yesterday was the one year anniversary of being in court for sentencing. That was a hard day. It was draining. It hurt. I didn’t know what to say and if I would speak at all. I got to look at him. I got to look into his eyes. They were cold, yet they said so much. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. I want to. I need to talk to him. I’ve said that from the beginning of this mess. It’s a way for me to finally put the past to bed. I remember every detail of it all. Time changes everything, but it hasn’t changed what I remember.

If you would have told me that all this was going to go down this way I’m not sure what I would have said. I don’t regret loving him. I should but I don’t. I am grateful for being able to become stronger from this. One year ago I sat in court with my future in a judges hands I didn’t know. The next few weeks after court I was so so confused. Time changes everything.

Yesterday I judged a horse show with one of my best friends. I laughed and had a good time. We joked around and got to do wha we loved. Horses have always had a positive effect on me. They just get it. Even if they’re not mine just being around them is healing. We got lunch and made patterns for the kids to ride. We were busy. It was fun. A year can change everything. Time changes everything. I really didn’t think about the one year anniverisy. Now, I haven’t gotten much sleep for the past week because I knew it was coming up, but yesterday I didn’t think too much about it. I am defining the accident. Not the other way around.

I am beginning to realize that these moments are going to come to us all in our lives.  They will hurt and rock your world. I’m sorry but they are. I don’t like to sugar coat things. It will suck. But I have learned the best thing you can possibly do is to keep going and not let it define you. I have spent so much of my life in the past and letting ONE bad thing get me. ( Now it was really one thing it went on for years and years, but you get the idea, right?)  Don’t let the bad things define you. I think the bad things are not really bad things at all. They all have a purpose. We all have to trust His will and not ours. Silver Linings.

 

1 Peter 2:24

Who his own self bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live to righteousness; by whose stripes you were healed.

 

 

 

Moonroofs 

My mom got a new car(shocker) and it’s got a moon roof. I’m sitting in the car now with the moon roof open in a parking lot. The wind is blowing pretty fierce today. It’s also really sunny out. The wind is just blowing hard enough to make my hair blow back in the wind. But the rest of the car is closed. The only thing open is the moon roof. There are no other openings. It’s solid. For some strange reason it makes me feel safe. I’m safe from the harsh winds so they won’t blow me over; yet they are blowing just hard enough for me to feel the wind in my hair and on my skin. 
I’m loving the way it feels. Safe. I haven’t felt safe in a long long time. I’m always on guard. But in this moment I feel good. I’m soaking up every second of it just like the sunshine on my skin. 
The moon roof and wind is sorta like a parallel to God in a way. Bad stuff  is gonna happen and we can’t control it. But just like the moon roof providing a outlet to the elements, God is going to let bad things happen to you. BUT think about the rest of the car. It’s closed off to the wind and the elements of the outside world. Your situation could be way worse than what it is; I think a lot of us forget that while going thru tuff times. 
 He gives you just enough wind to keep you grounded. You make think that the wind blowing thru the moonroof is just all you can take. But the rest of your body is safe. He keeps us safe. He will only give you what you can handle.  
Psalm 91:4 You will be covered by his feathers; under his wings you will be safe: his good faith will be your salvation

Rivers

Now this scripture really didn’t mean anything to me for a while. But something kept bringing me back to it. The more I read it over and over again, the more questions I had. I didn’t understand it. However, the more I struggled with my identity, the more I began to understand.

This one has been on my heart for a while now. I didn’t have the right words on how to write it, but I will do my best.

I’d like to take just a second to give you all a backstory onto why I’m writing this.

I struggle with my identity. I’m not going to lie about that. I don’t know who I am. I have questions about my future (and a whole lot more about my past). I wonder if I do the right thing. If I make the best choices, or what would happen if I made a wrong one. I worry about affecting others with what choices I make.  I wonder if I’m a good person. If God really has me in palm of his hand.

Have you ever felt like God forgot about you? Cause I have. A lot. I mean he made everyone in world right? Who would blame him he skipped over you for a couple days? I mean he does have A LOT to take care of up there.

I absolutely LOVE Pastor John Gray. He’s a big black man that’s a hilarious, but he also has a heart for God. The way he teaches and preaches is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. I don’t have the words for what he has taught me or how much praise I could ever give him. I highly doubt he will ever read this but I want to thank him. He has brought me to God, and for that I am forever grateful. He’s changed my life.

“I will open rivers on the bare heights And springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water And the dry land fountains of water.“I will put the cedar in the wilderness, The acacia and the myrtle and the olive tree; I will place the juniper in the desert Together with the box tree and the cypress, That they may see and recognize, And consider and gain insight as well, That the hand of the LORD has done this, And the Holy One of Israel has created it.”

Isaiah 41:18-20

To me this verse means that God is coming. He hasn’t forgot about you. “I will open rivers on the bare of heights and springs in the midst or the valleys”

I am in a valley. I’m in a dry spot. It’s not necessarily dark anymore but its very bitter and harsh. I picture a cold winter day with no leaves on the trees, frozen water, harsh winds, and no life at all. But I believe that he will “open the rivers”. I have to believe that. I have no other hope to hold onto but that. I’m not going to be like this forever. Sure, I’m going to have scars and that’s ok. I’m not embarrassed by that. But these dry spots won’t last. They can’t. I remember how dark of a place I was in. It’s not dark anymore. So that’s my proof. I know he’s coming to me. He’s coming to open rivers. And the longer that have to wait, the more work he’s doing in me. The longer I wait the more developed I become. The more my roots get into the ground. The more patient I become. But most importantly the more like the ‘me’ that God has created me to be, I become.

I’m trying. I’m searching. And I will find myself and my silver lining.

Silver Linings.

Thankful for the nose in my armpit

One of my new years resolutions was to write at least one blog post a month. The goal being that at the end of the year I can look back and see how/what I was doing. Its been hard lately to write, mainly because I have been avoiding my feelings towards everything lately, and because as I lie on my bed trying to type my dog is currently cuddled up under my arm making it hard to type.

So with Mesas nose in my armpit, I am thankful. I am thankful for my sweet girl, that no matter how many times she runs off I love her just the same. I am thankful for a good warm house, food and clothing with all the snow we have (16in).  I am thankful for my family and friends. I am also thankful for being able to get an education. While this is going to be a challenging semester( And I still have no idea what I want to do.… Stuck between nursing and teaching… I see promise and purpose in both.) I am grateful for the opportunity to go to college. And as always, I’m thankful for my ponies.

A few of my friends took a mission trip at the beginning of this month. Seeing what they have posted about their encounters while on their trip made me realize just how   lucky we are. And while I am thankful for ‘small things’ and am also grateful for the person that God is making me to be. A year ago I couldn’t say that. I am grateful for my struggle. I am grateful for the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me. Without it I wouldn’t be on this journey, I probably wouldn’t even have a blog right now. I wouldn’t be able to see where I need to grow. I wouldn’t know my weaknesses and my strengths.

I am trying to find silver linings. I may not see ‘big’ reasons why this happened to me. I haven’t found the thing that is screaming out “This is it! This is your silver lining!”, but this whole thing has made me grateful. It’s the little things. The ‘silver developments’.

Colossians 3:15

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

 

Secret Love

Proverbs 27:5 says ” Open rebuke is better than secret love”

I’m trying to come to terms with that. At first I didn’t know what rebuke mean so I looked it up. Rebuke means to express sharp disapproval or criticism because of their behavior or actions.

I’m starting to believe that if there is a presence of fear, then you’re not operating in love. ( I think this applies to more than just my situation…Momma are you listening?)

I was in fear of telling people who I loved, and the consequences that could come with that. I knew he loved me. I never questioned that. Ever. I was in fear of judgement, and what people would say about me and my situation, and probably most importantly I was scared of losing him. Now my Momma, God love her soul, isn’t scared of telling people. She’s simply scared of a love and pain from a man she doesn’t deserve. (Mainly more pain is caused than love if you ask me.)  You shouldn’t have to fear someone you love, or the consequences that could come from loving them. To me, that isn’t true love.

Love is finding someone you can tell anything to, and not fear them. You don’t have to worry about them standing beside you, even if you’re wrong. You smile at the thought of them. You have more good memories than bad..(Momma do you?) You love more than you fight. You aren’t put down by the other person. You have an equal say in the relationship.

Now I can honestly say that I am scared of love and being in love because of things that have happened to me. But then again, isn’t everybody a little scared of love, because of what has happened to them?  If someone can love the broken pieces of you then you might have found a good one.  In time I will not be scared of loving. And on that note, if you can love the broken pieces of yourself, then you’ve found a good one too, because you love you. And that makes you a good one.