Sometimes I lie to myself and say he’s dead. It’s almost easier that way. I don’t have to pretend that I’m ok that way. I allow myself to cry and mourn.
I almost don’t want to talk about us anymore. Its like the more I reveal about us, the more the memory of us gets blurred and faded. Some things are so easy to remember, while others are completely black. I want to blame it on the meds but I don’t think they are effecting it that much. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I only want to remember the good times and not the bad.
I hurt. My head. My heart. My body. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I love you. I miss you. I don’t know why it all played out this way but it did. I’m sorry. Thats all I really have to say.
I continue to fight, I’m not really sure what I am fighting for, but I am.
This will be my last blog post about it. I will continue to write, but not about this. It’s time.
Now, I’m trying to not to get my hopes up, but I’d be lying to myself if I said that I wasn’t really, really hoping to get my answers and to find my closure on this long painful road I’ve been walking
In the living room right now I’ve got two candles burning. One is flickering and the other is just a solid flame. For some reason they are reminding me of me.
The past few days I’ve been in totally different mindset, and to be honest I liked it. It was a time when I was happy and loved. It was a time when he was around. The times he made me so happy, loved, cared for, and important. I’ve made the decision to talk to him. Now some people (ok a lot of people) are against it. And I get where they are coming from. It’s a risky move. I wonder if I’m going to relapse. If all the progress I’ve made is just going to go down the drain. It scares me. But I have to do this for me. From the beginning I’ve said this, now two years later I still want to. Correction. I need to.. I also am trying to remind myself of all the bad times we also had. Right now I’m not sure if the good out weighed the bad or vise versa. I have to remember all the fights, the cheating, the hurt, crying all day. Not even knowing if I could make it the day we had fight. I would keep my checking my phone waiting for a text from him. And each time I didn’t have one ,my eyes burning and my heart hurting a little bit more.
I think the flickering candle is me and my feelings about it all. Some days I feel one way, while others I feel differently. I wish I could say that I had a definite way I felt, but I don’t. I know that thinking of it everyday is probably not the best thing to be doing, but its hard when the flashbacks come. I need to quit pushing myself to make a decision on how I feel and just let time find it for me.
The other candle is just the solid flame. In a weird way, I think it’s trying to tell me that this is never going to go away if I don’t try to talk to him. I also thing it’s kinda showing me how I’ve learned to stand by myself, and how I’ve found more and more of myself on this journey. I’m learning more and more about the core of myself, my beliefs, feelings toward certain things, and the person I want to be. I’m proud of me. I didn’t ever think I’d make it this far. Some days are hard, some days are ok, and some days are good.
Job 17:9 The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.
Proverbs 4:18 The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day.
P.S. The whole time I’ve been writing this, the candles have been doing the same thing I said in the beginning of this post.
I haven’t been the best emotional state the past two weeks. And I am constantly getting asked “What can I do?”. At first I didn’t know. The more I’ve thought about it I’ve came up with a few ideas.
- Let me grieve.
- If I still want to love him, let me.
- Stop judging me. Ex. It happened a long time ago, she should be over it.
- DON’T tell people I’m doing good, when you haven’t even asked me.
- It’s not your story to tell. So don’t tell people about my battle. (I don’t tell people about yours, do I?)
- Understand this is hard.
- Don’t push me to talk about it. Further more don’t push me to get a job, or do better in school, workout more, call me lazy etc. My mental health is my ONLY job right now.
Now I know that most of my posts have tried to be uplifting, and for others to know they are not alone. But I struggle too; thats real life.
So let me leave you with this:
“The most important lesson that I have learned is to trust God in every circumstance. Lots of times we go through different trials and following God’s plan seems like it doesn’t make any sense at all. God is always in control and he will never leave us” – Allyson Felix