Two Candles

Now, I’m trying to not to get my hopes up, but I’d be lying to myself if I said that I wasn’t really, really hoping to get my answers and to find my closure on this long painful road I’ve been walking


In the living room right now I’ve got two candles burning. One is flickering and the other is just a solid flame. For some reason they are reminding me of me.maxresdefault

The past few days I’ve been in totally different mindset, and to be honest I liked it. It was a time when I was happy and loved. It was a time when he was around. The times he made me so happy, loved, cared for, and important. I’ve made the decision to talk to him. Now some people (ok a lot of people) are against it. And I get where they are coming from. It’s a risky move. I wonder if I’m going to relapse. If all the progress I’ve made is just going to go down the drain. It scares me. But I have to do this for me. From the beginning I’ve said this, now two years later I still want to. Correction. I need to.. I also am trying to remind myself of all the bad times we also had. Right now I’m not sure if the good out weighed the bad or vise versa. I have to remember all the fights, the cheating, the hurt, crying all day. Not even knowing if I could make it the day we had fight. I would keep my checking my phone waiting for a text from him. And each time I didn’t have one ,my eyes burning and my heart hurting a little bit more.

I think the flickering candle is me and my feelings about it all. Some days I feel one way, while others I feel differently. I wish I could say that I had a definite way I felt, but I don’t. I know that thinking of it everyday is probably not the best thing to be doing, but its hard when the flashbacks come. I need to quit pushing myself to make a decision on how I feel and just let time find it for me.

The other candle is just the solid flame. In a weird way, I think it’s trying to tell me that this is never going to go away if I don’t try to  talk to him. I also thing it’s kinda showing me how I’ve learned to stand by myself, and how I’ve found more and more of myself on this journey. I’m learning more and more about the core of myself, my beliefs, feelings toward certain things, and the person I want to be.  I’m proud of me. I didn’t ever think I’d make it this far. Some days are hard, some days are ok, and some days are good.

Job 17:9  The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.

Proverbs 4:18  The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day.




Silver Linings.

P.S. The whole time I’ve been writing this, the candles have been doing the same thing I said in the beginning of this post.




‘That Girl’

I keep thinking about the Stanford Rape Case. That girl. Part of me doesn’t  want to write this. Part of me does. 
When my story broke; it broke me inside. I can’t image what she’s going through. My heart breaks for her. But it also breaks for me too. My life was changed too. Part of me promised myself that I would never ever comment/write/share anything about a sexual assault case or rape or God forbid sexual abuse.. Because I knew how it felt. That girl deserves her privacy. To grieve. To be mad. To cry. To attemp to find whatever “normal” is. But thing this nothing will ever be the same. The effects of this last forever. The pain will fade to a slow dull but the pain is there.I didn’t want to comment about it because I know how that girl feels. Exactly how. The guilt, shame, embarrassment.. I could go on and on. I’m not going to type it out onto a blog post that will probably never be read by her. But I know. See, the thing is that with victims of these crimes we don’t have to explain. Sometimes it’s just a look. Or a hug. Or the silence that we share while the rest of the world continues life.  

I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real. That this didn’t happen. That I was in a nightmare. I’m so proud of her for facing this head on. I’m thankful for the words she wrote; for she speaks for more victims than she realizes. I pray for that girl, her family, her future and probably most importantly her faith in God. She said things in her statement that I couldn’t write but I still feel to this day.  

Please read the full statement here: I have insurted some quotes that really resonated with me and my story. 

“I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed questions that dissected my personal life, love life,
past life, family life, inane questions, accumulating trivial details”

You should have never done this to me. Secondly, you should have never made me fight so long to tell you, you should have never done this to me. But here we are. The damage is done, no one can undo it.” 

“To the girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you.”

Thank you my fellow survivor for standing up. Thank you. 
That girl is saving someone with her bravery. She’s braver than me. 

P.S. If you ever read this, I think we should seriously discuss writing a book together.


Now this scripture really didn’t mean anything to me for a while. But something kept bringing me back to it. The more I read it over and over again, the more questions I had. I didn’t understand it. However, the more I struggled with my identity, the more I began to understand.

This one has been on my heart for a while now. I didn’t have the right words on how to write it, but I will do my best.

I’d like to take just a second to give you all a backstory onto why I’m writing this.

I struggle with my identity. I’m not going to lie about that. I don’t know who I am. I have questions about my future (and a whole lot more about my past). I wonder if I do the right thing. If I make the best choices, or what would happen if I made a wrong one. I worry about affecting others with what choices I make.  I wonder if I’m a good person. If God really has me in palm of his hand.

Have you ever felt like God forgot about you? Cause I have. A lot. I mean he made everyone in world right? Who would blame him he skipped over you for a couple days? I mean he does have A LOT to take care of up there.

I absolutely LOVE Pastor John Gray. He’s a big black man that’s a hilarious, but he also has a heart for God. The way he teaches and preaches is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. I don’t have the words for what he has taught me or how much praise I could ever give him. I highly doubt he will ever read this but I want to thank him. He has brought me to God, and for that I am forever grateful. He’s changed my life.

“I will open rivers on the bare heights And springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water And the dry land fountains of water.“I will put the cedar in the wilderness, The acacia and the myrtle and the olive tree; I will place the juniper in the desert Together with the box tree and the cypress, That they may see and recognize, And consider and gain insight as well, That the hand of the LORD has done this, And the Holy One of Israel has created it.”

Isaiah 41:18-20

To me this verse means that God is coming. He hasn’t forgot about you. “I will open rivers on the bare of heights and springs in the midst or the valleys”

I am in a valley. I’m in a dry spot. It’s not necessarily dark anymore but its very bitter and harsh. I picture a cold winter day with no leaves on the trees, frozen water, harsh winds, and no life at all. But I believe that he will “open the rivers”. I have to believe that. I have no other hope to hold onto but that. I’m not going to be like this forever. Sure, I’m going to have scars and that’s ok. I’m not embarrassed by that. But these dry spots won’t last. They can’t. I remember how dark of a place I was in. It’s not dark anymore. So that’s my proof. I know he’s coming to me. He’s coming to open rivers. And the longer that have to wait, the more work he’s doing in me. The longer I wait the more developed I become. The more my roots get into the ground. The more patient I become. But most importantly the more like the ‘me’ that God has created me to be, I become.

I’m trying. I’m searching. And I will find myself and my silver lining.

Silver Linings.

Secret Love

Proverbs 27:5 says ” Open rebuke is better than secret love”

I’m trying to come to terms with that. At first I didn’t know what rebuke mean so I looked it up. Rebuke means to express sharp disapproval or criticism because of their behavior or actions.

I’m starting to believe that if there is a presence of fear, then you’re not operating in love. ( I think this applies to more than just my situation…Momma are you listening?)

I was in fear of telling people who I loved, and the consequences that could come with that. I knew he loved me. I never questioned that. Ever. I was in fear of judgement, and what people would say about me and my situation, and probably most importantly I was scared of losing him. Now my Momma, God love her soul, isn’t scared of telling people. She’s simply scared of a love and pain from a man she doesn’t deserve. (Mainly more pain is caused than love if you ask me.)  You shouldn’t have to fear someone you love, or the consequences that could come from loving them. To me, that isn’t true love.

Love is finding someone you can tell anything to, and not fear them. You don’t have to worry about them standing beside you, even if you’re wrong. You smile at the thought of them. You have more good memories than bad..(Momma do you?) You love more than you fight. You aren’t put down by the other person. You have an equal say in the relationship.

Now I can honestly say that I am scared of love and being in love because of things that have happened to me. But then again, isn’t everybody a little scared of love, because of what has happened to them?  If someone can love the broken pieces of you then you might have found a good one.  In time I will not be scared of loving. And on that note, if you can love the broken pieces of yourself, then you’ve found a good one too, because you love you. And that makes you a good one.

Giving Up

Putting on my make up, putting off the hard stuff. It’s amazing the amount of rejection that I see in my reflection and I can’t get out of the way. I’m looking forward to the girl I wanna be, but regret has a way of staring me right in the face.

I feel like I constantly find myself here in this situation. Constantly fighting my feelings, putting off things that I need to do in order to heal. Lots of things go into my mind everyday about the situation, but lately I’ve just become numb. I want to avoid things that make me feel. It scares me. I’d rather be numb that feel any type of emotion. I have lots of questions that I will never have answers too. I’ve tried to play the game of what if, but all it will do is drive you absolutely insane.  I guess I just want to avoid the situation in general. (If you’d been fighting like I have everyday for the past year I think you would be too.) It’s a battle with my heart vs common sense.

They say it’s not my fault, but it feels like it. I don’t know how to forgive. I’ve never been good at it. It’s not that I don’t want to forgive, I just don’t know how. I have so many questions. I need closure, but I’ll never have it. I somehow have to find a way to accept that.  I’ve tried to play out every possible outcome in my head, but all it does is leave me more confused than where I started. I don’t even know if I’d want any of those possibilities. Knowing what I know now has changed things. Its changed me. I’ll never know the answers. How do you handle that? I don’t know. I want to be able to put it behind me. I really do, but I feel like if I never get these questions answered I won’t be able to. I’ve wanted to talk to him a lot. Then again I’ve wanted to never see him again. The thought of being around him scares me. If I did talk to him, the answers I got, I couldn’t even believe if they were true, because of all the lies he’s fed me for years. It’s a back and forth battle, but each day I make a little tiny step forward.

I woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain. But I brushed my teeth anyway, got  dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I get a little bit stronger. Those few lines of that song have helped me understand that this is gonna take time. This may take a lifetime, but I’ll be stronger. I feel like if I can get through this, then I can get through anything.

It takes a lot strength to fight for your life every day. Due to this, I have a new respect for cancer patients, soldiers and all emergency personal. That’s a silver lining. I am in no way comparing my situation to theirs, but I think I can understand a little better where they are coming from.

I’m trying to take the good with the bad, and remember it could be a lot worse.  Theres all these stories of how people have had terrible, terrible things happen to them, then they overcome it and share their story with the world. I don’t know how they do it. It takes a lot of guts. I don’t know if it’s the fear that someone could be going thru the same thing they went thru that keeps them pressing on. I wonder what happens to the people that don’t make it. The ones who never get out of the bad place that they are in. I’m not saying that they have to go tell their story on The Today Show, or anything like that, but I do think that if they don’t give it everything they have then they are always going to be a victim. They will let their Pat continue to control them. You at least owe it to yourself to at least try. You gotta give it everything you’ve got. You’ve only one life down here on Earth. When you get to heaven, God might ask you if you could do one thing differently what would it be? Would you say it would be not getting over my traumatic event and let it determine the rest of your life? I think the bad things are always going to affect you, but you have to power of how much they will. If God asked me that question, I’m not sure what I would say.  I do know that I would not change what happened to me. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. It was going to happen to someone. In a way I’m glad that it was me, so no one has to go thru what I’m dealing with.

“All things work together for the greater good of those who love him” Romans 8:28  Even your bad things. Its hard to believe that. I know it is. But you gotta believe.  Three things have gotten me thru this past year God; my best friend, and the will power of not wanting him to win.  If I can do this, you can too.

They say that “You’re no one until someone lets you down.” On this journey not only am I finding who I am, but also who I can become. Thats a silver lining.

Owning It

Theres two different people inside me. One wants to change the world, tell my story, be brave, write books and make a difference. The other one wants to hide from the world, to not face my problems, to be too scared it might hurt to talk about, but it could also possibly heal at the same time. I struggle with finding the happy medium between them. I don’t know wish person I want to be. Sometimes I want to hide, other times I want to shine. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to figure out which on I want to be. But I do know this, either way it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt if I talk, it’s going to hurt if I hide.

Does it always hurt like this? I don’t know. I wish I knew but I don’t. Either way you’ll do yourself a disservice. You can hide from the pain, or you can face it. Both have their pros and cons. If you hide, you will never heal, never understand, never process, never let go and, live the same day over and over again for the rest of your life.  Or you can face it. If you face it, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to turn your world upside down, you’re not going to know who you are anymore, you’re going to wonder if you did the right thing, you’ll worry about what people say. I’m somewhere in the middle of that. I want to speak up, but my voice is shaking.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”- Brene Brown

It took a lot of courage to start this blog. I almost didn’t do it. The thought of having to read mean comments is not something that I want to have to do when my self-esteem is already low, but I guess thats just the risk you take by posting on social media. However, I feel like if I didn’t start this blog, then what good is what happened to me going to do? It turned my life upside down. It’s going to happen to someone else. It’s happening to someone else right now. If you’re reading this, and it sounds anything like you, RUN. You’ve got so much to live for. You have too much potential to waste on someone who is unworthy of you. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to hurt, you gonna wanna go back, you’ll probably even be a little scared. This is not your fault this happened to you. No matter what people say, It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose this. You didn’t ask for this.

Now don’t get me wrong, we are all victims and we have every right to grieve for ourselves. But we can’t play the victim card forever. Sure we are all going to have things that are harder for us than for other people because this happened. Sure we may not always be exactly “right.” I’m being to find out that self pity is like quick sand. The more you say poor me, the deeper you get drug down. Now you have every right to be mad, and hurt, and cry, and yell, and want revenge, and wonder why this happened to you. You are a victim. But you have no right to stay in the “victim phase” forever. This is always going to be a part of your live. You can’t change that. But you can choose how long you feel sorry for yourself. You stay in the victim phase as long as it takes to heal, they get your ass up.

This is what has helped me the most is that I don’t want Pat to win. Right now you may have a ‘Pat’ in your life thats winning over something, it doesn’t have to be a relationship. Your Pat will still have a hold on you even if you got out of the relationship. You can’t let him win. He’s won long enough. Even if it’s years from being away from the abuse, and you still won’t open up to people that want to help you, He’s winning.

The hardest thing for me is freeing my mind from all this. Sure the damage that was done to body is no longer there. But theres still scars. The first thing your abuser will do is get control of your mind. Once he/she has that, they have everything. They pretty much brainwash you into thinking that they are superior to you, and everything they say is “Gods Word”. You gotta get em out of your head. I’ve heard it said that ,”You have to be very careful of what you put into that head of yours because you can never get it out”. I think parts of that are true. Yes, you need to be careful with what information you put in your head. But if you try hard enough you can get it out. Take 10 mins every night before you go to bed and write down how you feel. You gotta get it out somehow. I don’t care what you do with the paper afterwards, burn it, keep it, blow your nose in it. It doesn’t matter, as long as its out of system.

Only the strong survive

The future looked so bright, but only if I had know that I was slowly draining the light out of myself by being with someone who was so dark and cold.

I shut people out. I can’t help it. It’s the very first thing I do the minute someone tries to talk to me. I want attention, then as soon as I get it I want it to go away.  I don’t know why I do this. Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt so many times in the past I don’t want to take the risk again.Maybe time will heal that, but maybe it won’t. I think I will always have a fear of getting close to someone. Part of me is ok with that. Part of me has accepted the loneliness and the possibly that I may never get to have a happy marriage and kids that I have always wanted.  All because of one thing, him. ( I think he needs a name so I will try to refer to him as Pat from now on.) I won’t open up. Back in September, I had a boy that I really liked in one of my college classes. He liked me too and we started talking. It was great for the first couple weeks. He was everything I had dreamed of and more. He was also the first person that I told what had happened after I first came out about it. We had common interests, and wanted the same things. It seemed like I had finally found someone who got it,who got me. My mother and his mother are close friends, so therefor I knew his Mom and absolutely loved her before we even started trying to make it more. I still call her my second Mom. I really really liked him. We did things that made me feel like a normal person, someone who wasn’t abused. He treated me like I was supposed to be treated. It was all good, until he said he wasn’t over his ex, and while that very well be true, I think he was scared to get close to me. So we stopped talking. It hurt me. I liked him, I still do. I’m not mad at him. I understand.

I recently had an old friend of mine reconnect with me of Facebook. We used to be so close, then we moved schools, and never really spoke afterwords. We have talked some, but not near as much as I have wanted. And thats my fault. It’s not because my friend hasn’t tried, its because of me. The tables had turned on me. At first it was a boy I really liked got scared, and now it was me. I just can’t open up.

Its like a line from a song,” I don’t want to make up, just to fall apart again”. Pat did a number on me. Theres things I used to do that I don’t anymore. Things that I thought I had figured out, but I no longer do. Its like I’m having to start from scratch. And what really sucks about it, is I never really  knew who I was before. I don’t have anyone to compare myself too.All I have are some foggy then so vivid memories that play in my head like a slow sad song. All I have is what he said I was, but he lied about so many things so I’m pretty sure that he lied about who I was too.   So so young. It was only my second kiss. My first love. My first heartbreak.  I think the reason that I am so shut off from everyone is because I hid this “relationship” for years. I couldn’t tell anyone about it, or say anything because I didn’t want to suffer the consequences. I felt like Pat was ashamed of me. I didn’t have any friends in high school. I ate my lunch in the bathroom. I didn’t go to homecoming, prom, the sleepovers with girlfriends, the bonfires, the football games. Nothing.I lived in the shadows, but prayed for the light.  Part of me doesn’t blame Pat for that. Part of me blames myself. Then some of me blames him.

After we broke up, I got over it, at least I thought I did. I was mad. I was hurt, but also knew it was for the best. And after the first month or so I began to realize that I was much happier without him. I didn’t have to worry about if he was lying to me, who he was sleeping with while being “in love” with me, or if was going to drink and drug himself into the oblivion. I never said anything for two years. I didn’t think their was anything really wrong about it. To me it was just a relationship that had failed. It happens to everyone, even to the people who you think have it all. When I ended up saying something, I thought it was just a conversation with a friend. But it wasn’t. It was a moment that changed my life forever. Before those seven words came out of my mouth, my gut told me not to say anything, but I did. I will never know why I did right then and there. From there it was police interviews, having to tell my parents, lawyers, writing down everything that happened in great gruesome details, court days, testimonies. I’m still grieving over a life I thought I was going to have. We were engaged. (At least that what he said.) The future looked so bright, but only if I had know that I was slowly draining the light out of myself by being with someone who was so dark and cold.

At first, I didn’t believe it was the right thing to do. It felt like I had betrayed myself. I hurt his family, his daughter, I changed his life. But the truth is he did it to himself. Yes, I am the one that opened my mouth, but he committed the crimes. From the outside looking in, lots of people would say it’s not my fault, that I was just a kid. But I feel so much guilt everyday of my life its unreal. It’s slowly killing me. It’s the first thought in my head in the morning, and the last one when I go to sleep.  People say I’m getting better, but I’m so afraid that I’m falling back into the lies that I fed myself when I thought I was ok. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe its just the medication. Maybe I’m not.

I’ve heard it said “Only the strong survive”. I think thats all they do is survive. They don’t live. They are just simply too scared to. I am guilty of this.                                                                                             All I know is I don’t want to survive anymore. I want to live. It may take the rest of my life, but I’m going to live.