Silence.

Sometimes I lie to myself and say he’s dead. It’s almost easier that way. I don’t have to pretend that I’m ok that way. I allow myself to cry and mourn.

I almost don’t want to talk about us anymore. Its like the more I reveal about us, the more the memory of us gets blurred and faded. Some things are so easy to remember, while others are completely black. I want to blame it on the meds but I don’t think they are effecting it that much. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I only want to remember the good times and not the bad.

I hurt. My head. My heart. My body. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I love you. I miss you. I don’t know why it all played out this way but it did. I’m sorry. Thats all I really have to say.

I continue to fight, I’m not really sure what I am fighting for, but I am.

 

This will be my last blog post about it. I will continue to write, but not about this. It’s time.

Two Candles

Now, I’m trying to not to get my hopes up, but I’d be lying to myself if I said that I wasn’t really, really hoping to get my answers and to find my closure on this long painful road I’ve been walking

In the living room right now I’ve got two candles burning. One is flickering and the other is just a solid flame. For some reason they are reminding me of me.maxresdefault

The past few days I’ve been in totally different mindset, and to be honest I liked it. It was a time when I was happy and loved. It was a time when he was around. The times he made me so happy, loved, cared for, and important. I’ve made the decision to talk to him. Now some people (ok a lot of people) are against it. And I get where they are coming from. It’s a risky move. I wonder if I’m going to relapse. If all the progress I’ve made is just going to go down the drain. It scares me. But I have to do this for me. From the beginning I’ve said this, now two years later I still want to. Correction. I need to.. I also am trying to remind myself of all the bad times we also had. Right now I’m not sure if the good out weighed the bad or vise versa. I have to remember all the fights, the cheating, the hurt, crying all day. Not even knowing if I could make it the day we had fight. I would keep my checking my phone waiting for a text from him. And each time I didn’t have one ,my eyes burning and my heart hurting a little bit more.

I think the flickering candle is me and my feelings about it all. Some days I feel one way, while others I feel differently. I wish I could say that I had a definite way I felt, but I don’t. I know that thinking of it everyday is probably not the best thing to be doing, but its hard when the flashbacks come. I need to quit pushing myself to make a decision on how I feel and just let time find it for me.

The other candle is just the solid flame. In a weird way, I think it’s trying to tell me that this is never going to go away if I don’t try to  talk to him. I also thing it’s kinda showing me how I’ve learned to stand by myself, and how I’ve found more and more of myself on this journey. I’m learning more and more about the core of myself, my beliefs, feelings toward certain things, and the person I want to be.  I’m proud of me. I didn’t ever think I’d make it this far. Some days are hard, some days are ok, and some days are good.

Job 17:9  The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.

Proverbs 4:18  The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day.

 

 

 

Silver Linings.

P.S. The whole time I’ve been writing this, the candles have been doing the same thing I said in the beginning of this post.

 

 

 

‘That Girl’

I keep thinking about the Stanford Rape Case. That girl. Part of me doesn’t  want to write this. Part of me does. 
When my story broke; it broke me inside. I can’t image what she’s going through. My heart breaks for her. But it also breaks for me too. My life was changed too. Part of me promised myself that I would never ever comment/write/share anything about a sexual assault case or rape or God forbid sexual abuse.. Because I knew how it felt. That girl deserves her privacy. To grieve. To be mad. To cry. To attemp to find whatever “normal” is. But thing this nothing will ever be the same. The effects of this last forever. The pain will fade to a slow dull but the pain is there.I didn’t want to comment about it because I know how that girl feels. Exactly how. The guilt, shame, embarrassment.. I could go on and on. I’m not going to type it out onto a blog post that will probably never be read by her. But I know. See, the thing is that with victims of these crimes we don’t have to explain. Sometimes it’s just a look. Or a hug. Or the silence that we share while the rest of the world continues life.  

I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real. That this didn’t happen. That I was in a nightmare. I’m so proud of her for facing this head on. I’m thankful for the words she wrote; for she speaks for more victims than she realizes. I pray for that girl, her family, her future and probably most importantly her faith in God. She said things in her statement that I couldn’t write but I still feel to this day.  

Please read the full statement here: I have insurted some quotes that really resonated with me and my story. https://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra?utm_term=.ahZKo3Kx#.pxakLvka 

“I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed questions that dissected my personal life, love life,
past life, family life, inane questions, accumulating trivial details”


You should have never done this to me. Secondly, you should have never made me fight so long to tell you, you should have never done this to me. But here we are. The damage is done, no one can undo it.” 

“To the girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you.”

Thank you my fellow survivor for standing up. Thank you. 
That girl is saving someone with her bravery. She’s braver than me. 

P.S. If you ever read this, I think we should seriously discuss writing a book together.

Moonroofs 

My mom got a new car(shocker) and it’s got a moon roof. I’m sitting in the car now with the moon roof open in a parking lot. The wind is blowing pretty fierce today. It’s also really sunny out. The wind is just blowing hard enough to make my hair blow back in the wind. But the rest of the car is closed. The only thing open is the moon roof. There are no other openings. It’s solid. For some strange reason it makes me feel safe. I’m safe from the harsh winds so they won’t blow me over; yet they are blowing just hard enough for me to feel the wind in my hair and on my skin. 
I’m loving the way it feels. Safe. I haven’t felt safe in a long long time. I’m always on guard. But in this moment I feel good. I’m soaking up every second of it just like the sunshine on my skin. 
The moon roof and wind is sorta like a parallel to God in a way. Bad stuff  is gonna happen and we can’t control it. But just like the moon roof providing a outlet to the elements, God is going to let bad things happen to you. BUT think about the rest of the car. It’s closed off to the wind and the elements of the outside world. Your situation could be way worse than what it is; I think a lot of us forget that while going thru tuff times. 
 He gives you just enough wind to keep you grounded. You make think that the wind blowing thru the moonroof is just all you can take. But the rest of your body is safe. He keeps us safe. He will only give you what you can handle.  
Psalm 91:4 You will be covered by his feathers; under his wings you will be safe: his good faith will be your salvation

The Shine In Your Scars

John  5:35

“He was the lamp that was burning and was shining and you were willing to rejoice for a while in his light”

About a week ago I was driving on the interstate to see a special person in my life. As I was driving I noticed in my rear view mirror how dark and black the sky looked behind me. My past is dark and black. It hurts to look at; it’s depressing really. But as I kept driving I noticed the further and further I went the darkness slowly started to fade. When I got to where I was going the sky had one of the prettiest sunsets I’d ever seen. The future looked big and bright. That evening I realized that my past does not dictate my future. Sure, its gonna shape who I become, but not who I am. If it’s me reading the signs, I think God was giving me the approval to continue with this next step in my life.

The person I have I in my life now has shown me so much in just a short amount of time. I feel like I can love again. I’m learning how I should be treated. I’ve never been treated like this before, and to be honest, I kinda feel like I don’t deserve someone so good to me. But then I remember that I am a child of God and I deserve the best, and that God will only bring me the best. (Saying that and actually remembering it when I start to feel like that are two different things.) The way I can connect with this person is absolutely insane. Never have I had someone so open and honest. I don’t have the words to describe the feelings of love and compassion I have for him.  Its like we fit like puzzle pieces.

I’m starting to think that every person in our life is a piece to our “puzzle.” Now you know when you work a puzzle and think that a piece goes there but it doesn’t? That’s the people that you thought were going to ‘fit’ into your life but for some reason they didn’t. Now that the pieces that do go together are people that should be in your life. All the people in your life are pieces and by the time you die, your puzzle should be complete, and I’m sure it makes a beautiful picture.

Then if you think about that, all the pictures of our lives all make up one great big picture that God created. Maybe when we get to heaven we can see what it looks like.

With this new found gift from God in my life, I feel like I can finally start to dig out of the rut I was in. It’s not going to be easy, and I’m going to want to quit, but knowing that I have someone in there digging with me when I get tired is sometimes all you need. The light this person is to me is incredible. Sometimes I wonder if I had the light inside myself all along, and he just turned it on. I hope I did the same for him, and together we have a united light that no one can ever put out.  Now I’m not healed by any means, but I am learning that I don’t have to walk around anymore with this wound open. I can have a scar but I’ve decided to quit bleeding from it.

One of my favorite quotes is “Maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it’s about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it.”

And maybe just maybe, he’s the one that is finally stitching that wound up to create a scar, and in my opinion scars can be beautiful if you’ll let them be.

Secret Love

Proverbs 27:5 says ” Open rebuke is better than secret love”

I’m trying to come to terms with that. At first I didn’t know what rebuke mean so I looked it up. Rebuke means to express sharp disapproval or criticism because of their behavior or actions.

I’m starting to believe that if there is a presence of fear, then you’re not operating in love. ( I think this applies to more than just my situation…Momma are you listening?)

I was in fear of telling people who I loved, and the consequences that could come with that. I knew he loved me. I never questioned that. Ever. I was in fear of judgement, and what people would say about me and my situation, and probably most importantly I was scared of losing him. Now my Momma, God love her soul, isn’t scared of telling people. She’s simply scared of a love and pain from a man she doesn’t deserve. (Mainly more pain is caused than love if you ask me.)  You shouldn’t have to fear someone you love, or the consequences that could come from loving them. To me, that isn’t true love.

Love is finding someone you can tell anything to, and not fear them. You don’t have to worry about them standing beside you, even if you’re wrong. You smile at the thought of them. You have more good memories than bad..(Momma do you?) You love more than you fight. You aren’t put down by the other person. You have an equal say in the relationship.

Now I can honestly say that I am scared of love and being in love because of things that have happened to me. But then again, isn’t everybody a little scared of love, because of what has happened to them?  If someone can love the broken pieces of you then you might have found a good one.  In time I will not be scared of loving. And on that note, if you can love the broken pieces of yourself, then you’ve found a good one too, because you love you. And that makes you a good one.