Silence.

Sometimes I lie to myself and say he’s dead. It’s almost easier that way. I don’t have to pretend that I’m ok that way. I allow myself to cry and mourn.

I almost don’t want to talk about us anymore. Its like the more I reveal about us, the more the memory of us gets blurred and faded. Some things are so easy to remember, while others are completely black. I want to blame it on the meds but I don’t think they are effecting it that much. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I only want to remember the good times and not the bad.

I hurt. My head. My heart. My body. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I love you. I miss you. I don’t know why it all played out this way but it did. I’m sorry. Thats all I really have to say.

I continue to fight, I’m not really sure what I am fighting for, but I am.

 

This will be my last blog post about it. I will continue to write, but not about this. It’s time.

Art that went to my heart

I wish I knew what to write this month. I don’t seem to have words. A lot has happened. (All of which have been good things!) I’ve been busy. My mind is busy. I wish I could say that this blog post is going to be the best I can write, but it’s not.

A couple weeks ago my art professor was discussing a piece and she said she thought the artist meant to say ‘Don’t the accident define you; define the accident.” By the way  the colors and subject matter were depicted.  I really liked how she worded it. A lot.

I’m trying to define the accident. At first I let the accident define me. For two years I set and wallowed and hurt and cried all because of my abuse. Now I realize that abuse effects everyone different. I used mine as a way to stay away from the world; only to find that I was just hurting myself even more. There are bad days. It’s not fun. I have scars. I go to a shrink every week. And that’s finally ok with me. I’m not crazy. Just yesterday was the one year anniversary of being in court for sentencing. That was a hard day. It was draining. It hurt. I didn’t know what to say and if I would speak at all. I got to look at him. I got to look into his eyes. They were cold, yet they said so much. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. I want to. I need to talk to him. I’ve said that from the beginning of this mess. It’s a way for me to finally put the past to bed. I remember every detail of it all. Time changes everything, but it hasn’t changed what I remember.

If you would have told me that all this was going to go down this way I’m not sure what I would have said. I don’t regret loving him. I should but I don’t. I am grateful for being able to become stronger from this. One year ago I sat in court with my future in a judges hands I didn’t know. The next few weeks after court I was so so confused. Time changes everything.

Yesterday I judged a horse show with one of my best friends. I laughed and had a good time. We joked around and got to do wha we loved. Horses have always had a positive effect on me. They just get it. Even if they’re not mine just being around them is healing. We got lunch and made patterns for the kids to ride. We were busy. It was fun. A year can change everything. Time changes everything. I really didn’t think about the one year anniverisy. Now, I haven’t gotten much sleep for the past week because I knew it was coming up, but yesterday I didn’t think too much about it. I am defining the accident. Not the other way around.

I am beginning to realize that these moments are going to come to us all in our lives.  They will hurt and rock your world. I’m sorry but they are. I don’t like to sugar coat things. It will suck. But I have learned the best thing you can possibly do is to keep going and not let it define you. I have spent so much of my life in the past and letting ONE bad thing get me. ( Now it was really one thing it went on for years and years, but you get the idea, right?)  Don’t let the bad things define you. I think the bad things are not really bad things at all. They all have a purpose. We all have to trust His will and not ours. Silver Linings.

 

1 Peter 2:24

Who his own self bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live to righteousness; by whose stripes you were healed.

 

 

 

Thankful for the nose in my armpit

One of my new years resolutions was to write at least one blog post a month. The goal being that at the end of the year I can look back and see how/what I was doing. Its been hard lately to write, mainly because I have been avoiding my feelings towards everything lately, and because as I lie on my bed trying to type my dog is currently cuddled up under my arm making it hard to type.

So with Mesas nose in my armpit, I am thankful. I am thankful for my sweet girl, that no matter how many times she runs off I love her just the same. I am thankful for a good warm house, food and clothing with all the snow we have (16in).  I am thankful for my family and friends. I am also thankful for being able to get an education. While this is going to be a challenging semester( And I still have no idea what I want to do.… Stuck between nursing and teaching… I see promise and purpose in both.) I am grateful for the opportunity to go to college. And as always, I’m thankful for my ponies.

A few of my friends took a mission trip at the beginning of this month. Seeing what they have posted about their encounters while on their trip made me realize just how   lucky we are. And while I am thankful for ‘small things’ and am also grateful for the person that God is making me to be. A year ago I couldn’t say that. I am grateful for my struggle. I am grateful for the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me. Without it I wouldn’t be on this journey, I probably wouldn’t even have a blog right now. I wouldn’t be able to see where I need to grow. I wouldn’t know my weaknesses and my strengths.

I am trying to find silver linings. I may not see ‘big’ reasons why this happened to me. I haven’t found the thing that is screaming out “This is it! This is your silver lining!”, but this whole thing has made me grateful. It’s the little things. The ‘silver developments’.

Colossians 3:15

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

 

The Shine In Your Scars

John  5:35

“He was the lamp that was burning and was shining and you were willing to rejoice for a while in his light”

About a week ago I was driving on the interstate to see a special person in my life. As I was driving I noticed in my rear view mirror how dark and black the sky looked behind me. My past is dark and black. It hurts to look at; it’s depressing really. But as I kept driving I noticed the further and further I went the darkness slowly started to fade. When I got to where I was going the sky had one of the prettiest sunsets I’d ever seen. The future looked big and bright. That evening I realized that my past does not dictate my future. Sure, its gonna shape who I become, but not who I am. If it’s me reading the signs, I think God was giving me the approval to continue with this next step in my life.

The person I have I in my life now has shown me so much in just a short amount of time. I feel like I can love again. I’m learning how I should be treated. I’ve never been treated like this before, and to be honest, I kinda feel like I don’t deserve someone so good to me. But then I remember that I am a child of God and I deserve the best, and that God will only bring me the best. (Saying that and actually remembering it when I start to feel like that are two different things.) The way I can connect with this person is absolutely insane. Never have I had someone so open and honest. I don’t have the words to describe the feelings of love and compassion I have for him.  Its like we fit like puzzle pieces.

I’m starting to think that every person in our life is a piece to our “puzzle.” Now you know when you work a puzzle and think that a piece goes there but it doesn’t? That’s the people that you thought were going to ‘fit’ into your life but for some reason they didn’t. Now that the pieces that do go together are people that should be in your life. All the people in your life are pieces and by the time you die, your puzzle should be complete, and I’m sure it makes a beautiful picture.

Then if you think about that, all the pictures of our lives all make up one great big picture that God created. Maybe when we get to heaven we can see what it looks like.

With this new found gift from God in my life, I feel like I can finally start to dig out of the rut I was in. It’s not going to be easy, and I’m going to want to quit, but knowing that I have someone in there digging with me when I get tired is sometimes all you need. The light this person is to me is incredible. Sometimes I wonder if I had the light inside myself all along, and he just turned it on. I hope I did the same for him, and together we have a united light that no one can ever put out.  Now I’m not healed by any means, but I am learning that I don’t have to walk around anymore with this wound open. I can have a scar but I’ve decided to quit bleeding from it.

One of my favorite quotes is “Maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it’s about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it.”

And maybe just maybe, he’s the one that is finally stitching that wound up to create a scar, and in my opinion scars can be beautiful if you’ll let them be.

Secret Love

Proverbs 27:5 says ” Open rebuke is better than secret love”

I’m trying to come to terms with that. At first I didn’t know what rebuke mean so I looked it up. Rebuke means to express sharp disapproval or criticism because of their behavior or actions.

I’m starting to believe that if there is a presence of fear, then you’re not operating in love. ( I think this applies to more than just my situation…Momma are you listening?)

I was in fear of telling people who I loved, and the consequences that could come with that. I knew he loved me. I never questioned that. Ever. I was in fear of judgement, and what people would say about me and my situation, and probably most importantly I was scared of losing him. Now my Momma, God love her soul, isn’t scared of telling people. She’s simply scared of a love and pain from a man she doesn’t deserve. (Mainly more pain is caused than love if you ask me.)  You shouldn’t have to fear someone you love, or the consequences that could come from loving them. To me, that isn’t true love.

Love is finding someone you can tell anything to, and not fear them. You don’t have to worry about them standing beside you, even if you’re wrong. You smile at the thought of them. You have more good memories than bad..(Momma do you?) You love more than you fight. You aren’t put down by the other person. You have an equal say in the relationship.

Now I can honestly say that I am scared of love and being in love because of things that have happened to me. But then again, isn’t everybody a little scared of love, because of what has happened to them?  If someone can love the broken pieces of you then you might have found a good one.  In time I will not be scared of loving. And on that note, if you can love the broken pieces of yourself, then you’ve found a good one too, because you love you. And that makes you a good one.

Giving Up

Putting on my make up, putting off the hard stuff. It’s amazing the amount of rejection that I see in my reflection and I can’t get out of the way. I’m looking forward to the girl I wanna be, but regret has a way of staring me right in the face.

I feel like I constantly find myself here in this situation. Constantly fighting my feelings, putting off things that I need to do in order to heal. Lots of things go into my mind everyday about the situation, but lately I’ve just become numb. I want to avoid things that make me feel. It scares me. I’d rather be numb that feel any type of emotion. I have lots of questions that I will never have answers too. I’ve tried to play the game of what if, but all it will do is drive you absolutely insane.  I guess I just want to avoid the situation in general. (If you’d been fighting like I have everyday for the past year I think you would be too.) It’s a battle with my heart vs common sense.

They say it’s not my fault, but it feels like it. I don’t know how to forgive. I’ve never been good at it. It’s not that I don’t want to forgive, I just don’t know how. I have so many questions. I need closure, but I’ll never have it. I somehow have to find a way to accept that.  I’ve tried to play out every possible outcome in my head, but all it does is leave me more confused than where I started. I don’t even know if I’d want any of those possibilities. Knowing what I know now has changed things. Its changed me. I’ll never know the answers. How do you handle that? I don’t know. I want to be able to put it behind me. I really do, but I feel like if I never get these questions answered I won’t be able to. I’ve wanted to talk to him a lot. Then again I’ve wanted to never see him again. The thought of being around him scares me. If I did talk to him, the answers I got, I couldn’t even believe if they were true, because of all the lies he’s fed me for years. It’s a back and forth battle, but each day I make a little tiny step forward.

I woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain. But I brushed my teeth anyway, got  dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I get a little bit stronger. Those few lines of that song have helped me understand that this is gonna take time. This may take a lifetime, but I’ll be stronger. I feel like if I can get through this, then I can get through anything.

It takes a lot strength to fight for your life every day. Due to this, I have a new respect for cancer patients, soldiers and all emergency personal. That’s a silver lining. I am in no way comparing my situation to theirs, but I think I can understand a little better where they are coming from.

I’m trying to take the good with the bad, and remember it could be a lot worse.  Theres all these stories of how people have had terrible, terrible things happen to them, then they overcome it and share their story with the world. I don’t know how they do it. It takes a lot of guts. I don’t know if it’s the fear that someone could be going thru the same thing they went thru that keeps them pressing on. I wonder what happens to the people that don’t make it. The ones who never get out of the bad place that they are in. I’m not saying that they have to go tell their story on The Today Show, or anything like that, but I do think that if they don’t give it everything they have then they are always going to be a victim. They will let their Pat continue to control them. You at least owe it to yourself to at least try. You gotta give it everything you’ve got. You’ve only one life down here on Earth. When you get to heaven, God might ask you if you could do one thing differently what would it be? Would you say it would be not getting over my traumatic event and let it determine the rest of your life? I think the bad things are always going to affect you, but you have to power of how much they will. If God asked me that question, I’m not sure what I would say.  I do know that I would not change what happened to me. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. It was going to happen to someone. In a way I’m glad that it was me, so no one has to go thru what I’m dealing with.

“All things work together for the greater good of those who love him” Romans 8:28  Even your bad things. Its hard to believe that. I know it is. But you gotta believe.  Three things have gotten me thru this past year God; my best friend, and the will power of not wanting him to win.  If I can do this, you can too.

They say that “You’re no one until someone lets you down.” On this journey not only am I finding who I am, but also who I can become. Thats a silver lining.

Owning It

Theres two different people inside me. One wants to change the world, tell my story, be brave, write books and make a difference. The other one wants to hide from the world, to not face my problems, to be too scared it might hurt to talk about, but it could also possibly heal at the same time. I struggle with finding the happy medium between them. I don’t know wish person I want to be. Sometimes I want to hide, other times I want to shine. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to figure out which on I want to be. But I do know this, either way it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt if I talk, it’s going to hurt if I hide.

Does it always hurt like this? I don’t know. I wish I knew but I don’t. Either way you’ll do yourself a disservice. You can hide from the pain, or you can face it. Both have their pros and cons. If you hide, you will never heal, never understand, never process, never let go and, live the same day over and over again for the rest of your life.  Or you can face it. If you face it, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to turn your world upside down, you’re not going to know who you are anymore, you’re going to wonder if you did the right thing, you’ll worry about what people say. I’m somewhere in the middle of that. I want to speak up, but my voice is shaking.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”- Brene Brown

It took a lot of courage to start this blog. I almost didn’t do it. The thought of having to read mean comments is not something that I want to have to do when my self-esteem is already low, but I guess thats just the risk you take by posting on social media. However, I feel like if I didn’t start this blog, then what good is what happened to me going to do? It turned my life upside down. It’s going to happen to someone else. It’s happening to someone else right now. If you’re reading this, and it sounds anything like you, RUN. You’ve got so much to live for. You have too much potential to waste on someone who is unworthy of you. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to hurt, you gonna wanna go back, you’ll probably even be a little scared. This is not your fault this happened to you. No matter what people say, It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose this. You didn’t ask for this.

Now don’t get me wrong, we are all victims and we have every right to grieve for ourselves. But we can’t play the victim card forever. Sure we are all going to have things that are harder for us than for other people because this happened. Sure we may not always be exactly “right.” I’m being to find out that self pity is like quick sand. The more you say poor me, the deeper you get drug down. Now you have every right to be mad, and hurt, and cry, and yell, and want revenge, and wonder why this happened to you. You are a victim. But you have no right to stay in the “victim phase” forever. This is always going to be a part of your live. You can’t change that. But you can choose how long you feel sorry for yourself. You stay in the victim phase as long as it takes to heal, they get your ass up.

This is what has helped me the most is that I don’t want Pat to win. Right now you may have a ‘Pat’ in your life thats winning over something, it doesn’t have to be a relationship. Your Pat will still have a hold on you even if you got out of the relationship. You can’t let him win. He’s won long enough. Even if it’s years from being away from the abuse, and you still won’t open up to people that want to help you, He’s winning.

The hardest thing for me is freeing my mind from all this. Sure the damage that was done to body is no longer there. But theres still scars. The first thing your abuser will do is get control of your mind. Once he/she has that, they have everything. They pretty much brainwash you into thinking that they are superior to you, and everything they say is “Gods Word”. You gotta get em out of your head. I’ve heard it said that ,”You have to be very careful of what you put into that head of yours because you can never get it out”. I think parts of that are true. Yes, you need to be careful with what information you put in your head. But if you try hard enough you can get it out. Take 10 mins every night before you go to bed and write down how you feel. You gotta get it out somehow. I don’t care what you do with the paper afterwards, burn it, keep it, blow your nose in it. It doesn’t matter, as long as its out of system.