Rivers

This one has been on my heart for a while now. I didn’t have the right words on how to write it, but I will do my best.

I’d like to take just a second to give you all a backstory onto why I’m writing this.

I struggle with my identity. I’m not going to lie about that. I don’t know who I am. I have questions about my future (and a whole lot more about my past). I wonder if I do the right thing. If I make the best choices, or what would happen if I made a wrong one. I worry about affecting others with what choices I make.  I wonder if I’m a good person. If God really has me in palm of his hand.

Have you ever felt like God forgot about you? Cause I have. A lot. I mean he made everyone in world right? Who would blame him he skipped over you for a couple days? I mean he does have A LOT to take care of up there.

I absolutely LOVE Pastor John Gray. He’s a big black man that’s a hilarious, but he also has a heart for God. The way he teaches and preaches is like nothing I’ve ever heard before. I don’t have the words for what he has taught me or how much praise I could ever give him. I highly doubt he will ever read this but I want to thank him. He has brought me to God, and for that I am forever grateful. He’s changed my life.

“I will open rivers on the bare heights And springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water And the dry land fountains of water.“I will put the cedar in the wilderness, The acacia and the myrtle and the olive tree; I will place the juniper in the desert Together with the box tree and the cypress, That they may see and recognize, And consider and gain insight as well, That the hand of the LORD has done this, And the Holy One of Israel has created it.”

Isaiah 41:18-20

To me this verse means that God is coming. He hasn’t forgot about you. “I will open rivers on the bare of heights and springs in the midst or the valleys”

I am in a valley. I’m in a dry spot. It’s not necessarily dark anymore but its very bitter and harsh. I picture a cold winter day with no leaves on the trees, frozen water, harsh winds, and no life at all. But I believe that he will “open the rivers”. I have to believe that. I have no other hope to hold onto but that. I’m not going to be like this forever. Sure, I’m going to have scars and that’s ok. I’m not embarrassed by that. But these dry spots won’t last. They can’t. I remember how dark of a place I was in. It’s not dark anymore. So that’s my proof. I know he’s coming to me. He’s coming to open rivers. And the longer that have to wait, the more work he’s doing in me. The longer I wait the more developed I become. The more my roots get into the ground. The more patient I become. But most importantly the more like the ‘me’ that God has created me to be, I become.

I’m trying. I’m searching. And I will find myself and my silver lining.

Silver Linings.

Clean Slates

Thank goodness for an extra day so I can keep my New Years resolution by writing every month! February has been full of ups and downs. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a month like this one.

If I’ve learned anything this past month it’s to always always be there. Now I know this sounds weird but it’s true. You have to be there. And what I mean by that is you can’t half ass be there. You have be in all or nothing.  I’ve also realized that you have to be in the moment. You can’t be worrying about what tomorrow will hold. You have be in the now.

Two years ago yesterday my world turned upside down. I don’t really have any great advice or wisdom to give on the anniversary of it and I wish I did. The only thing I really know for sure is it was Gods plan for me. For us. For our families. For our futures. For everything. And that’s a really hard concept to grasp. I know it’s so very true but it’s just so hard to remind yourself of everyday when your constantly thinking about it. Because of it I know I’m a better person. I know that I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was.

I think if he was here and we were together he would tell me to follow my heart. And so to honor him.. But mainly myself I did something on Sunday. I bought a horse. Now I know that doesn’t sound like a big deal but it kinda is.

This horse is a clean slate. He’s not broke yet so that means I get start him! Which is really exciting!

And I really need a clean slate..really really need one. I try to remind myself that each year when the anniversary comes around.

I’m trying. I’m searching. And I will find myself and my silver lining.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?”

Matthew 6: 25-30

Thankful for the nose in my armpit

One of my new years resolutions was to write at least one blog post a month. The goal being that at the end of the year I can look back and see how/what I was doing. Its been hard lately to write, mainly because I have been avoiding my feelings towards everything lately, and because as I lie on my bed trying to type my dog is currently cuddled up under my arm making it hard to type.

So with Mesas nose in my armpit, I am thankful. I am thankful for my sweet girl, that no matter how many times she runs off I love her just the same. I am thankful for a good warm house, food and clothing with all the snow we have (16in).  I am thankful for my family and friends. I am also thankful for being able to get an education. While this is going to be a challenging semester( And I still have no idea what I want to do.… Stuck between nursing and teaching… I see promise and purpose in both.) I am grateful for the opportunity to go to college. And as always, I’m thankful for my ponies.

A few of my friends took a mission trip at the beginning of this month. Seeing what they have posted about their encounters while on their trip made me realize just how   lucky we are. And while I am thankful for ‘small things’ and am also grateful for the person that God is making me to be. A year ago I couldn’t say that. I am grateful for my struggle. I am grateful for the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me. Without it I wouldn’t be on this journey, I probably wouldn’t even have a blog right now. I wouldn’t be able to see where I need to grow. I wouldn’t know my weaknesses and my strengths.

I am trying to find silver linings. I may not see ‘big’ reasons why this happened to me. I haven’t found the thing that is screaming out “This is it! This is your silver lining!”, but this whole thing has made me grateful. It’s the little things. The ‘silver developments’.

Colossians 3:15

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

 

The Shine In Your Scars

John  5:35

“He was the lamp that was burning and was shining and you were willing to rejoice for a while in his light”

About a week ago I was driving on the interstate to see a special person in my life. As I was driving I noticed in my rear view mirror how dark and black the sky looked behind me. My past is dark and black. It hurts to look at; it’s depressing really. But as I kept driving I noticed the further and further I went the darkness slowly started to fade. When I got to where I was going the sky had one of the prettiest sunsets I’d ever seen. The future looked big and bright. That evening I realized that my past does not dictate my future. Sure, its gonna shape who I become, but not who I am. If it’s me reading the signs, I think God was giving me the approval to continue with this next step in my life.

The person I have I in my life now has shown me so much in just a short amount of time. I feel like I can love again. I’m learning how I should be treated. I’ve never been treated like this before, and to be honest, I kinda feel like I don’t deserve someone so good to me. But then I remember that I am a child of God and I deserve the best, and that God will only bring me the best. (Saying that and actually remembering it when I start to feel like that are two different things.) The way I can connect with this person is absolutely insane. Never have I had someone so open and honest. I don’t have the words to describe the feelings of love and compassion I have for him.  Its like we fit like puzzle pieces.

I’m starting to think that every person in our life is a piece to our “puzzle.” Now you know when you work a puzzle and think that a piece goes there but it doesn’t? That’s the people that you thought were going to ‘fit’ into your life but for some reason they didn’t. Now that the pieces that do go together are people that should be in your life. All the people in your life are pieces and by the time you die, your puzzle should be complete, and I’m sure it makes a beautiful picture.

Then if you think about that, all the pictures of our lives all make up one great big picture that God created. Maybe when we get to heaven we can see what it looks like.

With this new found gift from God in my life, I feel like I can finally start to dig out of the rut I was in. It’s not going to be easy, and I’m going to want to quit, but knowing that I have someone in there digging with me when I get tired is sometimes all you need. The light this person is to me is incredible. Sometimes I wonder if I had the light inside myself all along, and he just turned it on. I hope I did the same for him, and together we have a united light that no one can ever put out.  Now I’m not healed by any means, but I am learning that I don’t have to walk around anymore with this wound open. I can have a scar but I’ve decided to quit bleeding from it.

One of my favorite quotes is “Maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it’s about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for it.”

And maybe just maybe, he’s the one that is finally stitching that wound up to create a scar, and in my opinion scars can be beautiful if you’ll let them be.

Things are changing

I know I haven’t blogged lately, its been a little crazy to say the least. The past couple days have been rough.  Events change things. People change things. People under stress don’t always think clearly, mean what they say, or use good judgement. While I’m sure that I struggle with all three, and much more, I know people that struggle more than I do.

Things are changing in my life. They are going to get worse, but I also know that eventually they are going to get better. Some of the things that I have had in the past, I will no longer have anymore. Thats not my fault. It’s not my Moms, my sisters, or my dog. Everything happens for a reason. It’s hard to not know whats going to happen in the days or weeks or months that lie ahead for myself, or my family, I also know that God wouldn’t bring you to it, if your couldn’t make it through.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I don’t know whats going to happen. I know that questioning if things could have been different, or if we could have done things differently the outcome might be different. I don’t really think that thats going to help. Things all happen for  a reason, but beating yourself up over something that you can’t change doesn’t help anyone.

“Lean not on your own understanding” It’s hard to do. You want to say you have all the control in your life, and the choices you make, and what you’re going to wear tomorrow, but the reality is that you don’t. God does. He knows every little detail of your life. When you stub your toe, spill the milk, or whatever it is, God already knows that. Its hard to remember than when life changing things are happening. God already knows what he has planned for you. I love a preacher named John Gray who preaches at Lakewoood Church in Texas. I listen to his sermons every night on my iPad while I wait for sleep to come to me. He, along with all the other pastors that I admire, has stated that “The greater the attack the greater the density.”

At first I thought that was bullshit, buts really not. I’ve had bad things happen to me before, happening now, and are going to happen in the future, but I believe in silver linings.
“This is what I believe to be true. You have to do everything you can. You have to work your hardest. And if you do, if you stay positive, then you have a shot at a silver lining.”

That’s a hard thing. But I’m learning that if you don’t believe that, or something like it, then you’re going to live your life running in circles. I think trying to stay positive and find the silver lining is much, much better than running in circles and staying in the same place for the rest of your life. I’d rather believe. At least if you believe, then you hold all the power.