Silence.

Sometimes I lie to myself and say he’s dead. It’s almost easier that way. I don’t have to pretend that I’m ok that way. I allow myself to cry and mourn.

I almost don’t want to talk about us anymore. Its like the more I reveal about us, the more the memory of us gets blurred and faded. Some things are so easy to remember, while others are completely black. I want to blame it on the meds but I don’t think they are effecting it that much. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I only want to remember the good times and not the bad.

I hurt. My head. My heart. My body. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I love you. I miss you. I don’t know why it all played out this way but it did. I’m sorry. Thats all I really have to say.

I continue to fight, I’m not really sure what I am fighting for, but I am.

 

This will be my last blog post about it. I will continue to write, but not about this. It’s time.

‘That Girl’

I keep thinking about the Stanford Rape Case. That girl. Part of me doesn’t  want to write this. Part of me does. 
When my story broke; it broke me inside. I can’t image what she’s going through. My heart breaks for her. But it also breaks for me too. My life was changed too. Part of me promised myself that I would never ever comment/write/share anything about a sexual assault case or rape or God forbid sexual abuse.. Because I knew how it felt. That girl deserves her privacy. To grieve. To be mad. To cry. To attemp to find whatever “normal” is. But thing this nothing will ever be the same. The effects of this last forever. The pain will fade to a slow dull but the pain is there.I didn’t want to comment about it because I know how that girl feels. Exactly how. The guilt, shame, embarrassment.. I could go on and on. I’m not going to type it out onto a blog post that will probably never be read by her. But I know. See, the thing is that with victims of these crimes we don’t have to explain. Sometimes it’s just a look. Or a hug. Or the silence that we share while the rest of the world continues life.  

I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real. That this didn’t happen. That I was in a nightmare. I’m so proud of her for facing this head on. I’m thankful for the words she wrote; for she speaks for more victims than she realizes. I pray for that girl, her family, her future and probably most importantly her faith in God. She said things in her statement that I couldn’t write but I still feel to this day.  

Please read the full statement here: I have insurted some quotes that really resonated with me and my story. https://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra?utm_term=.ahZKo3Kx#.pxakLvka 

“I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed questions that dissected my personal life, love life,
past life, family life, inane questions, accumulating trivial details”


You should have never done this to me. Secondly, you should have never made me fight so long to tell you, you should have never done this to me. But here we are. The damage is done, no one can undo it.” 

“To the girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you.”

Thank you my fellow survivor for standing up. Thank you. 
That girl is saving someone with her bravery. She’s braver than me. 

P.S. If you ever read this, I think we should seriously discuss writing a book together.

Thankful for the nose in my armpit

One of my new years resolutions was to write at least one blog post a month. The goal being that at the end of the year I can look back and see how/what I was doing. Its been hard lately to write, mainly because I have been avoiding my feelings towards everything lately, and because as I lie on my bed trying to type my dog is currently cuddled up under my arm making it hard to type.

So with Mesas nose in my armpit, I am thankful. I am thankful for my sweet girl, that no matter how many times she runs off I love her just the same. I am thankful for a good warm house, food and clothing with all the snow we have (16in).  I am thankful for my family and friends. I am also thankful for being able to get an education. While this is going to be a challenging semester( And I still have no idea what I want to do.… Stuck between nursing and teaching… I see promise and purpose in both.) I am grateful for the opportunity to go to college. And as always, I’m thankful for my ponies.

A few of my friends took a mission trip at the beginning of this month. Seeing what they have posted about their encounters while on their trip made me realize just how   lucky we are. And while I am thankful for ‘small things’ and am also grateful for the person that God is making me to be. A year ago I couldn’t say that. I am grateful for my struggle. I am grateful for the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me. Without it I wouldn’t be on this journey, I probably wouldn’t even have a blog right now. I wouldn’t be able to see where I need to grow. I wouldn’t know my weaknesses and my strengths.

I am trying to find silver linings. I may not see ‘big’ reasons why this happened to me. I haven’t found the thing that is screaming out “This is it! This is your silver lining!”, but this whole thing has made me grateful. It’s the little things. The ‘silver developments’.

Colossians 3:15

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

 

Secret Love

Proverbs 27:5 says ” Open rebuke is better than secret love”

I’m trying to come to terms with that. At first I didn’t know what rebuke mean so I looked it up. Rebuke means to express sharp disapproval or criticism because of their behavior or actions.

I’m starting to believe that if there is a presence of fear, then you’re not operating in love. ( I think this applies to more than just my situation…Momma are you listening?)

I was in fear of telling people who I loved, and the consequences that could come with that. I knew he loved me. I never questioned that. Ever. I was in fear of judgement, and what people would say about me and my situation, and probably most importantly I was scared of losing him. Now my Momma, God love her soul, isn’t scared of telling people. She’s simply scared of a love and pain from a man she doesn’t deserve. (Mainly more pain is caused than love if you ask me.)  You shouldn’t have to fear someone you love, or the consequences that could come from loving them. To me, that isn’t true love.

Love is finding someone you can tell anything to, and not fear them. You don’t have to worry about them standing beside you, even if you’re wrong. You smile at the thought of them. You have more good memories than bad..(Momma do you?) You love more than you fight. You aren’t put down by the other person. You have an equal say in the relationship.

Now I can honestly say that I am scared of love and being in love because of things that have happened to me. But then again, isn’t everybody a little scared of love, because of what has happened to them?  If someone can love the broken pieces of you then you might have found a good one.  In time I will not be scared of loving. And on that note, if you can love the broken pieces of yourself, then you’ve found a good one too, because you love you. And that makes you a good one.

Owning It

Theres two different people inside me. One wants to change the world, tell my story, be brave, write books and make a difference. The other one wants to hide from the world, to not face my problems, to be too scared it might hurt to talk about, but it could also possibly heal at the same time. I struggle with finding the happy medium between them. I don’t know wish person I want to be. Sometimes I want to hide, other times I want to shine. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to figure out which on I want to be. But I do know this, either way it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt if I talk, it’s going to hurt if I hide.

Does it always hurt like this? I don’t know. I wish I knew but I don’t. Either way you’ll do yourself a disservice. You can hide from the pain, or you can face it. Both have their pros and cons. If you hide, you will never heal, never understand, never process, never let go and, live the same day over and over again for the rest of your life.  Or you can face it. If you face it, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to turn your world upside down, you’re not going to know who you are anymore, you’re going to wonder if you did the right thing, you’ll worry about what people say. I’m somewhere in the middle of that. I want to speak up, but my voice is shaking.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”- Brene Brown

It took a lot of courage to start this blog. I almost didn’t do it. The thought of having to read mean comments is not something that I want to have to do when my self-esteem is already low, but I guess thats just the risk you take by posting on social media. However, I feel like if I didn’t start this blog, then what good is what happened to me going to do? It turned my life upside down. It’s going to happen to someone else. It’s happening to someone else right now. If you’re reading this, and it sounds anything like you, RUN. You’ve got so much to live for. You have too much potential to waste on someone who is unworthy of you. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to hurt, you gonna wanna go back, you’ll probably even be a little scared. This is not your fault this happened to you. No matter what people say, It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose this. You didn’t ask for this.

Now don’t get me wrong, we are all victims and we have every right to grieve for ourselves. But we can’t play the victim card forever. Sure we are all going to have things that are harder for us than for other people because this happened. Sure we may not always be exactly “right.” I’m being to find out that self pity is like quick sand. The more you say poor me, the deeper you get drug down. Now you have every right to be mad, and hurt, and cry, and yell, and want revenge, and wonder why this happened to you. You are a victim. But you have no right to stay in the “victim phase” forever. This is always going to be a part of your live. You can’t change that. But you can choose how long you feel sorry for yourself. You stay in the victim phase as long as it takes to heal, they get your ass up.

This is what has helped me the most is that I don’t want Pat to win. Right now you may have a ‘Pat’ in your life thats winning over something, it doesn’t have to be a relationship. Your Pat will still have a hold on you even if you got out of the relationship. You can’t let him win. He’s won long enough. Even if it’s years from being away from the abuse, and you still won’t open up to people that want to help you, He’s winning.

The hardest thing for me is freeing my mind from all this. Sure the damage that was done to body is no longer there. But theres still scars. The first thing your abuser will do is get control of your mind. Once he/she has that, they have everything. They pretty much brainwash you into thinking that they are superior to you, and everything they say is “Gods Word”. You gotta get em out of your head. I’ve heard it said that ,”You have to be very careful of what you put into that head of yours because you can never get it out”. I think parts of that are true. Yes, you need to be careful with what information you put in your head. But if you try hard enough you can get it out. Take 10 mins every night before you go to bed and write down how you feel. You gotta get it out somehow. I don’t care what you do with the paper afterwards, burn it, keep it, blow your nose in it. It doesn’t matter, as long as its out of system.

Real Relationships

There is a difference between me and him. I believed in everything that he said. He believed he could get away with it. Everything that I said was true, him not so much. I wish I could tell you that I’m better. That I trust people whole heartily, that I never doubt anyones intentions. But I don’t.

After the story broke, I was numb. Into the summer months and fall of that year, and even the early months of this year, I looked for someone, anyone to feel the void that was and still is in my heart. I wasn’t making the best choices. I’d hang out with who ever asked, and do whatever they wanted to do, just to feel. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop. No, I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I was addicted to the high I could get with being with someone who I thought cared about me and my well being.

This cycle that I was in, was all linked back to one thing. Him.  I’m not blaming all my problems on him, I own mine. Some of my problems existed before he even came into my life. But if I really wanted to set down, I could more than likely link all my problems I have today back to him. They all have a common thread I’m learning. They always have to do with how I feel about myself.  Because he fed me lies and lies for years, I couldn’t and still can’t believe anything people say to me. As soon as someone tries to give me a compliment I shut them completely down. The criticism I get, I take it to heart.  I wanted someone to make me feel anything, I just wanted to feel. No matter how hard I tried to break this cycle, I just couldn’t. Its still hard today. Its hard not to listen to the voices inside your head late at night. Its hard not to compare yourself to other people who seem to have this perfect life, while you are trying to deal with your problems.But every one of us has problems. We all have things we wish people didn’t know. We can’t change what they say or thing about us, but we can change what we think about ourselves. Now this is a very bold thing to do. Its hard to stop doing what you’re doing after its all you’ve know for years. Its hard not to believe what people say when you don’t even know what you can believe about yourself anymore. I used to be a confident girl. I thought I could do anything, now I didn’t have the best self-esteem but I did at least believe that I could do something if I just put my mind to it. I was happy with who I thought I was. But I wasn’t who I thought I was. I’m no where near her. I’m a bruised and broken girl just trying to find my way out of this. Now it hasn’t been all brass and dark. I’m not sure that I would want to be that girl again.  I changed. I’m different. I see the world differently. I’ve learned more about myself this past year, than I have all the years I’ve been alive. That’s a silver lining.

I was in an abusive relationship for many years. It’s really hard to say that. I’ve had to tell myself that so many times over the last year, and even know its easier to accept but still hard to believe. You see all these stories about how many women are in abusive relationships, the husband or boyfriend hits them, or verbally abuses them. That isn’t any better that what happened to me. I’m not to going to sit here and tell you my sob story. I’ve forced myself not to go there, no matter how good or how bad the consequence might be.  Most abused woman can’t say no to their abuser, because they fear the consequence. That was me. I was also too young to even know what was really going on, but thats another story. He said “I’ll kill myself if you leave,” or ” I’ll come after you.” All things which I believed, because he had been violent with other women in previous relationships.

It took years, but I got out of the “relationship”. But I never got out of the prison he put my mind in. I still haven’t, and to be completely honest, I probably never completely will.  A real relationship isn’t abuse. It doesn’t bring you down, or bring out your worst. Real relationships mean that you can tell that person anything in the world and they won’t judge you. That you have someone on your side, even if you might be wrong. Real relationships don’t hurt. I’ve always thought that the instant someone lets you down, you leave. Now, I haven’t been able to this in my own life. I can never take my own advice.  I’m not saying dony forgive people, or give them a second chance. All I’m saying is that if they let you down, on something you know they shouldn’t have. Run. If they want you change, and you try to and they still want more, change your mind.

I don’t have it all figured out and I don’t claim to. I’m sure that I will change my mind on some of my views as I get older, and I’m okay with that. Life requires growth.

Fighting Feelings

As I sit here trying to decide what I want to write today, all I’m staring at is a blank page. A page where you can write anything you want. All you have to do is start typing. Isn’t this kinda like life?  You can make life to be whatever you want it to be. You pick your career, where you’ll live, the kinda car you’ll drive, what you want to wear.

But the one thing I’ve learned is you don’t get to pick what tragedy will strike your life, or when. It could be the death of a loved one, a career move, or getting out of a relationship. For me, it’s the latter. The only thing you get to pick is how you choose to react. When my story came out, I didn’t know what to do. At first I wanted to hide, somedays I still do.  My worst nightmare had come true. My dirtiest secret exposed. At first I was in shock. Then it was embarrassment. Then it was denial. Then I was mad at myself. I still am. But I’m also realizing that no one could have kept that inside for that long.

I struggle with forgiveness. I always have. I can always, always forgive myself for a mistake I make on the back of a horse, but never for anything else. I’m still holding on to things that I did wrong when I was 9 years old.  Letting go has always sounded cliche to me. My doctors, therapist, and even my own sister told me to basically get over it. They even judged me not only for what happened, but also for not moving on in the correct amount of time. I don’t think you should let go. I think you should embrace what happens to you. Why let go of the things that made you who you are today?  The bad and the good, they all happen for a reason. I’m not sure I know what my reason is yet. Maybe its just prove to myself that I can get over it. Maybe its to show him that I can make it without him. Or maybe its to sit out on my back deck right now and complain to my computer as my fingers hit keys I didn’t know they wanted to hit.  Or maybe its that maybe someone will read this and believe in themselves. That the can get through it (anyone can if  I can at least try to).

It’s okay to feel what you wanna feel. Nothing will destroy your self acceptance, self worth, and self love than other than denying what you feel. Without your feelings you wouldn’t know where you are in your journey,or what areas you need to work on. Honor you feelings. Allow yourself to feel then, after all they are yours.  It’s ok to be mad, angry, upset, hurt, embarrassed  , not worthy, depressed, and defeated. You can stay there as long as it takes you to heal, to process, and to learn to cope. But it’s not okay to stay there and not to get back up. No matter how long it takes you. If it takes you years, take it. If you’re over it in a month, great get back up.  You have to get up. Most people find their strength when they are down on their knees.

Last night I went to a graduation for one of my friends who was the valedictorian. He said something in his speech that my Dad has been trying to tell me for a while and all I do is just roll my eyes, because “he doesn’t understand”.  Anyway what my friend said was “It doesn’t make a difference how hard you get hit, but it makes all the difference if you do or don’t  get back up”. It makes sense. I wish I had this deep prophetic quote to give you more guidance but I don’t. And as for the not understanding, no, no one will ever understand what you feel. But I think what makes us all connected is that pain is something everyone experiences.