Theres two different people inside me. One wants to change the world, tell my story, be brave, write books and make a difference. The other one wants to hide from the world, to not face my problems, to be too scared it might hurt to talk about, but it could also possibly heal at the same time. I struggle with finding the happy medium between them. I don’t know wish person I want to be. Sometimes I want to hide, other times I want to shine. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to figure out which on I want to be. But I do know this, either way it’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt if I talk, it’s going to hurt if I hide.
Does it always hurt like this? I don’t know. I wish I knew but I don’t. Either way you’ll do yourself a disservice. You can hide from the pain, or you can face it. Both have their pros and cons. If you hide, you will never heal, never understand, never process, never let go and, live the same day over and over again for the rest of your life. Or you can face it. If you face it, it’s going to hurt. It’s going to turn your world upside down, you’re not going to know who you are anymore, you’re going to wonder if you did the right thing, you’ll worry about what people say. I’m somewhere in the middle of that. I want to speak up, but my voice is shaking.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”- Brene Brown
It took a lot of courage to start this blog. I almost didn’t do it. The thought of having to read mean comments is not something that I want to have to do when my self-esteem is already low, but I guess thats just the risk you take by posting on social media. However, I feel like if I didn’t start this blog, then what good is what happened to me going to do? It turned my life upside down. It’s going to happen to someone else. It’s happening to someone else right now. If you’re reading this, and it sounds anything like you, RUN. You’ve got so much to live for. You have too much potential to waste on someone who is unworthy of you. It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to hurt, you gonna wanna go back, you’ll probably even be a little scared. This is not your fault this happened to you. No matter what people say, It’s not your fault. You didn’t choose this. You didn’t ask for this.
Now don’t get me wrong, we are all victims and we have every right to grieve for ourselves. But we can’t play the victim card forever. Sure we are all going to have things that are harder for us than for other people because this happened. Sure we may not always be exactly “right.” I’m being to find out that self pity is like quick sand. The more you say poor me, the deeper you get drug down. Now you have every right to be mad, and hurt, and cry, and yell, and want revenge, and wonder why this happened to you. You are a victim. But you have no right to stay in the “victim phase” forever. This is always going to be a part of your live. You can’t change that. But you can choose how long you feel sorry for yourself. You stay in the victim phase as long as it takes to heal, they get your ass up.
This is what has helped me the most is that I don’t want Pat to win. Right now you may have a ‘Pat’ in your life thats winning over something, it doesn’t have to be a relationship. Your Pat will still have a hold on you even if you got out of the relationship. You can’t let him win. He’s won long enough. Even if it’s years from being away from the abuse, and you still won’t open up to people that want to help you, He’s winning.
The hardest thing for me is freeing my mind from all this. Sure the damage that was done to body is no longer there. But theres still scars. The first thing your abuser will do is get control of your mind. Once he/she has that, they have everything. They pretty much brainwash you into thinking that they are superior to you, and everything they say is “Gods Word”. You gotta get em out of your head. I’ve heard it said that ,”You have to be very careful of what you put into that head of yours because you can never get it out”. I think parts of that are true. Yes, you need to be careful with what information you put in your head. But if you try hard enough you can get it out. Take 10 mins every night before you go to bed and write down how you feel. You gotta get it out somehow. I don’t care what you do with the paper afterwards, burn it, keep it, blow your nose in it. It doesn’t matter, as long as its out of system.