Yellow Ties 

On Monday my world flipped upside down. I had a great day to start with. I rode horses all day with some friends and the sunshine just had me in a good mood. That was until we got a phone call no one ever wants to receive. 

They were trying to revive him. He’s not breathing they said. My heart stopped. He was dead before we got there. 

My Poppaw and I weren’t always close. He was always at the Golf Shop when we went to visit. However the past few months when he got really sick I was by side his side almost every day. I’d go see him as much as I could. I brought my dog to come see him. I’d sneak him in a milkshake. Feed him soup and comb his hair. Listen to his stories and him complain about his nurses not getting him what he wanted in a timely fashion. Sometimes we’d just sit in silence. Every moment I got with him I cherished because I knew this day was coming. I just didn’t think I’d feel like this when it did. 

He knew he was dying. He told my Dad he wanted to be buried in a navy blue suit and a yellow tie. He wrote a will and gave my Momma POA over him. Sold his golf shop. Tried to prepare us for what would eventually happen. 

Yesterday I went to his house to get together his clothes. This man has A LOT of clothes. I mean a lot. Three closets full. We found the suit he wanted but I could not find the tie. I dug and dug through drawers and baskets with no luck. I was going to have to by him a tie. It was the last thing I could ever do for my Poppaw.  

All day I kept asking Poppaw to send me a sign that he was ok. At first I asked him to help me find the tie. I felt so alone and God wasn’t talking to me. I just wanted something to know he was ok. I hadn’t “heard” anything and eventually tried to compromise with God saying I didn’t have to find to the tie I just wanted him to be ok. Just to tell me that. I got nothing. With no luck on the tie we settled on a blue and yellow striped one. 

After a long day we made it home only to watch my Dad write his obituary at the kitchen table. I couldn’t take much more of it and I walked into the living room. The TV was on. A commercial. The local news showing a pre view of their stories coming up at a 11 and look at the weather. I was kinda zoned out, drained from the day. I just let the words the TV blared in one ear and out the other. I was however kinda watching. 

The news anchor talked and then the camera shot across the studio to the weatherman. The weather man had on a yellow tie. I had held it together all day and I immediately burst into tears. That was my sign. I knew he had to be ok. Thank you Poppaw. 
God works in mysterious ways. I did not write this for anyone to feel bad or sorry for us. I wrote this because I believe in God and I want whoever reads this to believe too. 

Revelation 14:13  

” Then I heard a voice from heaven say, “Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Yes,” says the Spirit, “they will rest from their labor, for their deeds will follow them.”

Forever my sweet sweet Poppaw. I will forever love you. 

Silence.

Sometimes I lie to myself and say he’s dead. It’s almost easier that way. I don’t have to pretend that I’m ok that way. I allow myself to cry and mourn.

I almost don’t want to talk about us anymore. Its like the more I reveal about us, the more the memory of us gets blurred and faded. Some things are so easy to remember, while others are completely black. I want to blame it on the meds but I don’t think they are effecting it that much. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I only want to remember the good times and not the bad.

I hurt. My head. My heart. My body. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I love you. I miss you. I don’t know why it all played out this way but it did. I’m sorry. Thats all I really have to say.

I continue to fight, I’m not really sure what I am fighting for, but I am.

 

This will be my last blog post about it. I will continue to write, but not about this. It’s time.

Picked Off

It’s football season, and you know what that means. GO HOKIES!

We’ve got a pretty good high school football team this year, and a star running back. He’s good. He’s a tiny little guy, but he’s a pretty powerful on the football field. I don’t know him personally, for I am just a fan seated in the stands, but I do know this, all of his interviews and posts on social media all have one thing in common: he always mentions his team, and thanks them. He doesn’t take all the credit for the wins they have accumulated this season so far.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about teams a lot lately, and surrounding yourself with the right people. That is a hard thing to do in this world. There are a lot of people who get close to you only to stab you in the back. However, there are still some good people in the world, and those are the ones that you need in your circle.

The bad ones in this world will take you away from your purpose, and path that God has for you.  Kinda like your getting  ‘picked off’.You’ve been doing the best you can, and then you go back to that one person you know isn’t good for you. And boom. Intercepted from the other team. The Angels and the Devils are always playing a game with your life. I can’t promise that devil won’t get a touchdown or two, but I can promise that he won’t win the game.

 

 

 

Bad News = Good News

If anything I’ve learned, it’s everyone is going thru something. Everyone has their own problems and struggles that they must make it thru. Things effect people differently. 

For awhile, (ok for years) I thought that I was the only person in the world that was in pain. I thought I carried a special kind of pain that was just for me. That no one knew how it felt. No one understood the way it hurt to get up in the morning, and the content pain I felt trying to function during the day.

I don’t believe anyone has had an easy life. Anyone. Now sure, some are “more blessed” than others. And I don’t mean to play the symphony card…… But when you stop and think about it, I bet you can’t name one person in your life that hasn’t been touched or affected by death, cancer, a crime, divorce, or just shitty circumstances.

About a week ago, I had a friend get run over. They are going to be ok, but it was still pretty scary. This family has already been thru a lot. Some would say that their kids have had the world given to them, and I would agree too. But I also know that someone had to work for what they have. Now granted that it was probably not their generation, but perhaps their grandparents, or great grandparents. But they thing is that regardless, someone had to go thru a struggle to get were they are now.

I’m sure this post is probably kind of depressing, and I have more sucky news. Two days ago I found out that a very close friend of mine is going thru a divorce. I hate it for them and their family. I may not know how exactly they feel, but I do know about pain, and pain is not a fun feeling.

In the flesh, we all would say that these events shouldn’t have happened. It shouldn’t have happened, but it did. I wish all my abused past could go away, but it can’t. Yes I wish it didn’t happen. But I’m grateful it did. It has made me a better person and a hell of a lot stronger. It takes a lot to say that. For the sad events that I just mentions, my hope and prayer for them is one day too see their own personal tragedy a blessing rather than a curse.

 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

 

 

Two Candles

Now, I’m trying to not to get my hopes up, but I’d be lying to myself if I said that I wasn’t really, really hoping to get my answers and to find my closure on this long painful road I’ve been walking

In the living room right now I’ve got two candles burning. One is flickering and the other is just a solid flame. For some reason they are reminding me of me.maxresdefault

The past few days I’ve been in totally different mindset, and to be honest I liked it. It was a time when I was happy and loved. It was a time when he was around. The times he made me so happy, loved, cared for, and important. I’ve made the decision to talk to him. Now some people (ok a lot of people) are against it. And I get where they are coming from. It’s a risky move. I wonder if I’m going to relapse. If all the progress I’ve made is just going to go down the drain. It scares me. But I have to do this for me. From the beginning I’ve said this, now two years later I still want to. Correction. I need to.. I also am trying to remind myself of all the bad times we also had. Right now I’m not sure if the good out weighed the bad or vise versa. I have to remember all the fights, the cheating, the hurt, crying all day. Not even knowing if I could make it the day we had fight. I would keep my checking my phone waiting for a text from him. And each time I didn’t have one ,my eyes burning and my heart hurting a little bit more.

I think the flickering candle is me and my feelings about it all. Some days I feel one way, while others I feel differently. I wish I could say that I had a definite way I felt, but I don’t. I know that thinking of it everyday is probably not the best thing to be doing, but its hard when the flashbacks come. I need to quit pushing myself to make a decision on how I feel and just let time find it for me.

The other candle is just the solid flame. In a weird way, I think it’s trying to tell me that this is never going to go away if I don’t try to  talk to him. I also thing it’s kinda showing me how I’ve learned to stand by myself, and how I’ve found more and more of myself on this journey. I’m learning more and more about the core of myself, my beliefs, feelings toward certain things, and the person I want to be.  I’m proud of me. I didn’t ever think I’d make it this far. Some days are hard, some days are ok, and some days are good.

Job 17:9  The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands become stronger and stronger.

Proverbs 4:18  The way of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, which shines ever brighter until the full light of day.

 

 

 

Silver Linings.

P.S. The whole time I’ve been writing this, the candles have been doing the same thing I said in the beginning of this post.

 

 

 

‘That Girl’

I keep thinking about the Stanford Rape Case. That girl. Part of me doesn’t  want to write this. Part of me does. 
When my story broke; it broke me inside. I can’t image what she’s going through. My heart breaks for her. But it also breaks for me too. My life was changed too. Part of me promised myself that I would never ever comment/write/share anything about a sexual assault case or rape or God forbid sexual abuse.. Because I knew how it felt. That girl deserves her privacy. To grieve. To be mad. To cry. To attemp to find whatever “normal” is. But thing this nothing will ever be the same. The effects of this last forever. The pain will fade to a slow dull but the pain is there.I didn’t want to comment about it because I know how that girl feels. Exactly how. The guilt, shame, embarrassment.. I could go on and on. I’m not going to type it out onto a blog post that will probably never be read by her. But I know. See, the thing is that with victims of these crimes we don’t have to explain. Sometimes it’s just a look. Or a hug. Or the silence that we share while the rest of the world continues life.  

I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real. That this didn’t happen. That I was in a nightmare. I’m so proud of her for facing this head on. I’m thankful for the words she wrote; for she speaks for more victims than she realizes. I pray for that girl, her family, her future and probably most importantly her faith in God. She said things in her statement that I couldn’t write but I still feel to this day.  

Please read the full statement here: I have insurted some quotes that really resonated with me and my story. https://www.buzzfeed.com/katiejmbaker/heres-the-powerful-letter-the-stanford-victim-read-to-her-ra?utm_term=.ahZKo3Kx#.pxakLvka 

“I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed questions that dissected my personal life, love life,
past life, family life, inane questions, accumulating trivial details”


You should have never done this to me. Secondly, you should have never made me fight so long to tell you, you should have never done this to me. But here we are. The damage is done, no one can undo it.” 

“To the girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you.”

Thank you my fellow survivor for standing up. Thank you. 
That girl is saving someone with her bravery. She’s braver than me. 

P.S. If you ever read this, I think we should seriously discuss writing a book together.

Heres what you can do

I haven’t been the best emotional state the past two weeks. And I am constantly getting asked “What can I do?”. At first I didn’t know. The more I’ve thought about it I’ve came up with a few ideas.

  1. Let me grieve.
  2. If I still want to love him, let me.
  3. Stop judging me. Ex.  It happened a long time ago, she should be over it.
  4. DON’T tell people I’m doing good, when you haven’t even asked me.
  5. It’s not your story to tell. So don’t tell people about my battle. (I don’t tell people about yours, do  I?)
  6. Understand this is hard.
  7. Don’t push me to talk about it. Further more don’t push me to get a job, or do better in school, workout more, call me lazy etc. My mental health is my ONLY job right now.

Now I know that most of my posts have tried to be uplifting, and for others to know they are not alone. But I struggle too; thats real life.

So let me leave you with this:

“The most important lesson that I have learned is to trust God in every circumstance. Lots of times we go through different trials and following God’s plan seems like it doesn’t make any sense at all. God is always in control and he will never leave us”  – Allyson Felix