I wish I knew what to write this month. I don’t seem to have words. A lot has happened. (All of which have been good things!) I’ve been busy. My mind is busy. I wish I could say that this blog post is going to be the best I can write, but it’s not.
A couple weeks ago my art professor was discussing a piece and she said she thought the artist meant to say ‘Don’t the accident define you; define the accident.” By the way the colors and subject matter were depicted. I really liked how she worded it. A lot.
I’m trying to define the accident. At first I let the accident define me. For two years I set and wallowed and hurt and cried all because of my abuse. Now I realize that abuse effects everyone different. I used mine as a way to stay away from the world; only to find that I was just hurting myself even more. There are bad days. It’s not fun. I have scars. I go to a shrink every week. And that’s finally ok with me. I’m not crazy. Just yesterday was the one year anniversary of being in court for sentencing. That was a hard day. It was draining. It hurt. I didn’t know what to say and if I would speak at all. I got to look at him. I got to look into his eyes. They were cold, yet they said so much. I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. I want to. I need to talk to him. I’ve said that from the beginning of this mess. It’s a way for me to finally put the past to bed. I remember every detail of it all. Time changes everything, but it hasn’t changed what I remember.
If you would have told me that all this was going to go down this way I’m not sure what I would have said. I don’t regret loving him. I should but I don’t. I am grateful for being able to become stronger from this. One year ago I sat in court with my future in a judges hands I didn’t know. The next few weeks after court I was so so confused. Time changes everything.
Yesterday I judged a horse show with one of my best friends. I laughed and had a good time. We joked around and got to do wha we loved. Horses have always had a positive effect on me. They just get it. Even if they’re not mine just being around them is healing. We got lunch and made patterns for the kids to ride. We were busy. It was fun. A year can change everything. Time changes everything. I really didn’t think about the one year anniverisy. Now, I haven’t gotten much sleep for the past week because I knew it was coming up, but yesterday I didn’t think too much about it. I am defining the accident. Not the other way around.
I am beginning to realize that these moments are going to come to us all in our lives. They will hurt and rock your world. I’m sorry but they are. I don’t like to sugar coat things. It will suck. But I have learned the best thing you can possibly do is to keep going and not let it define you. I have spent so much of my life in the past and letting ONE bad thing get me. ( Now it was really one thing it went on for years and years, but you get the idea, right?) Don’t let the bad things define you. I think the bad things are not really bad things at all. They all have a purpose. We all have to trust His will and not ours. Silver Linings.
1 Peter 2:24
Who his own self bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live to righteousness; by whose stripes you were healed.