Memories of us float around in my head. Things I didn’t think about before. Like wanting to text you and tell you about my day. The way our friendship first started out. When you’d text me good morning. It’s a hard pill to swallow when I don’t get those anymore and never will again. I did it to myself. But then again he did it to himself too. Always always cheating on me. Still I stayed because I loved him. Loved. It’s hard to accept that I loved him. Loved. Past tense. There is no more going to be able to love him. Sure I can love him from afar and always will. But I can’t love him like we wanted. Well, I wanted.
What if we were together. Could I trust him that he wouldn’t cheat on me? Or would it just have been a never ending cycle saying he’d change? Maybe it’s a good thing that it ended like it did. And how it did. Maybe I saved myself from a hurt much much worse later on in the future.
In lots of ways I’m grateful to him. I learned love at such a young age. I’m grateful for the things he taught me. I stepped into whole new world of love, lust and probably in more ways than I know. I also thank him for letting me grow. Pat always said that “you’ll out grow me” In a way I can sorta understand that. He was a stepping stone. A building block. A hurt I had to go thru only to realize how strong I could be. I did outgrow him. It may have taken me longer than it should have to realize than what was happening wasn’t right and for me to accept the fact that we couldn’t be together no matter how hard I tried. I had to learn how to love from a far and then again I loved him so close, deeply and madly.
Each day is a new day. A new day for growth. Change. Learning. Loving. Living. And it’s also a day for me to say thank you to the man that hurt me because without him, I wouldn’t even know that I can and will eventually conquer my demons.