A couple months ago I had a talk with my preacher. While we don’t go to church that much, he knew something was wrong when I asked to speak with him. I told him about what I was dealing with and to be complete honest, he wasn’t that much help. He was very taken back and speechless with what I told him. I probably would’ve been too if someone had told me what I told him as well. While he didn’t have the answers to questions I asked, he did give me this,
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
At first I kinda rolled my eyes silently to myself, thinking this conversation was just a bust. I didn’t think much of it after we had talked. However, yesterday I read the same verse that he had given to me on my daily bible app verse on my phone. I remembered him telling me this verse, as I told him how guilty I felt.
I’ve thought about this verse the past couple days, and I have come to this conclusion, no matter what you do God will always love you, and never leave you. I don’t think God is mad at me anymore, he never was. I was just mad at myself. God already knows what the next word I type will be, what I’ll do tomorrow, what I’ll eat for breakfast in the morning, who I’ll marry AND the mistakes I will make.
He knows we all are going to mess up. We might cuss a little, sleep around, flip someone off in traffic, but he already knows that. We’re going to make to mistakes. But you also have to realize that you’re still here. If he had no use for you anymore, you’d be dead. Each breathe you take is a sign he’s not giving up on you. You’re his daughter or his son. What kind of father would give up on their own children? He hasn’t given up on me, so maybe I shouldn’t either.
I’ve also kinda interrupted this verse as if God can be ok with my mistakes, then maybe I should be too. I also think it means that he forgives us for everything we’ve done, and what we are going to do. If he can forgive everyone in the world, then why can’t I forgive myself? It’s not that I’m not trying. I forgave my abuser the second after it happened. I feel sorry for him. I never thought twice about forgiving him. Maybe its because I love him, or because he brainwashed me into thinking it was right. I don’t know, but I forgave him. Its time to forgive myself. Everyday when I look in the mirror I see regret. I have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing. That this isn’t my fault. It’s hard to forgive myself. But I know I have to.
Lately I’ve begun to explore the possibly of what if the tables had have been turned? What if he said something and it wasn’t me? Would I still feel this shame and guilt that I do today, probably not? Sure I’d be embarrassed but I don’t think I would be on medications or in therapy. But you know, I’m beginning to become ok with that. Maybe the reward in all this isn’t the destination of getting better, it’s simply the journey. Because of this, I think I’ve become a better person, and I hope thats the case for him as well. I didn’t give myself the benefit of the doubt that maybe somewhere deep down I had to have known that eventually the truth would come out. It’s going to be ok. I have no choice but to keep telling myself that.