Giving Up

Putting on my make up, putting off the hard stuff. It’s amazing the amount of rejection that I see in my reflection and I can’t get out of the way. I’m looking forward to the girl I wanna be, but regret has a way of staring me right in the face.

I feel like I constantly find myself here in this situation. Constantly fighting my feelings, putting off things that I need to do in order to heal. Lots of things go into my mind everyday about the situation, but lately I’ve just become numb. I want to avoid things that make me feel. It scares me. I’d rather be numb that feel any type of emotion. I have lots of questions that I will never have answers too. I’ve tried to play the game of what if, but all it will do is drive you absolutely insane.  I guess I just want to avoid the situation in general. (If you’d been fighting like I have everyday for the past year I think you would be too.) It’s a battle with my heart vs common sense.

They say it’s not my fault, but it feels like it. I don’t know how to forgive. I’ve never been good at it. It’s not that I don’t want to forgive, I just don’t know how. I have so many questions. I need closure, but I’ll never have it. I somehow have to find a way to accept that.  I’ve tried to play out every possible outcome in my head, but all it does is leave me more confused than where I started. I don’t even know if I’d want any of those possibilities. Knowing what I know now has changed things. Its changed me. I’ll never know the answers. How do you handle that? I don’t know. I want to be able to put it behind me. I really do, but I feel like if I never get these questions answered I won’t be able to. I’ve wanted to talk to him a lot. Then again I’ve wanted to never see him again. The thought of being around him scares me. If I did talk to him, the answers I got, I couldn’t even believe if they were true, because of all the lies he’s fed me for years. It’s a back and forth battle, but each day I make a little tiny step forward.

I woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain. But I brushed my teeth anyway, got  dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face. I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay. Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger. I get a little bit stronger. Those few lines of that song have helped me understand that this is gonna take time. This may take a lifetime, but I’ll be stronger. I feel like if I can get through this, then I can get through anything.

It takes a lot strength to fight for your life every day. Due to this, I have a new respect for cancer patients, soldiers and all emergency personal. That’s a silver lining. I am in no way comparing my situation to theirs, but I think I can understand a little better where they are coming from.

I’m trying to take the good with the bad, and remember it could be a lot worse.  Theres all these stories of how people have had terrible, terrible things happen to them, then they overcome it and share their story with the world. I don’t know how they do it. It takes a lot of guts. I don’t know if it’s the fear that someone could be going thru the same thing they went thru that keeps them pressing on. I wonder what happens to the people that don’t make it. The ones who never get out of the bad place that they are in. I’m not saying that they have to go tell their story on The Today Show, or anything like that, but I do think that if they don’t give it everything they have then they are always going to be a victim. They will let their Pat continue to control them. You at least owe it to yourself to at least try. You gotta give it everything you’ve got. You’ve only one life down here on Earth. When you get to heaven, God might ask you if you could do one thing differently what would it be? Would you say it would be not getting over my traumatic event and let it determine the rest of your life? I think the bad things are always going to affect you, but you have to power of how much they will. If God asked me that question, I’m not sure what I would say.  I do know that I would not change what happened to me. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. It was going to happen to someone. In a way I’m glad that it was me, so no one has to go thru what I’m dealing with.

“All things work together for the greater good of those who love him” Romans 8:28  Even your bad things. Its hard to believe that. I know it is. But you gotta believe.  Three things have gotten me thru this past year God; my best friend, and the will power of not wanting him to win.  If I can do this, you can too.

They say that “You’re no one until someone lets you down.” On this journey not only am I finding who I am, but also who I can become. Thats a silver lining.

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