There is a difference between me and him. I believed in everything that he said. He believed he could get away with it. Everything that I said was true, him not so much. I wish I could tell you that I’m better. That I trust people whole heartily, that I never doubt anyones intentions. But I don’t.
After the story broke, I was numb. Into the summer months and fall of that year, and even the early months of this year, I looked for someone, anyone to feel the void that was and still is in my heart. I wasn’t making the best choices. I’d hang out with who ever asked, and do whatever they wanted to do, just to feel. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop. No, I’m not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I was addicted to the high I could get with being with someone who I thought cared about me and my well being.
This cycle that I was in, was all linked back to one thing. Him. I’m not blaming all my problems on him, I own mine. Some of my problems existed before he even came into my life. But if I really wanted to set down, I could more than likely link all my problems I have today back to him. They all have a common thread I’m learning. They always have to do with how I feel about myself. Because he fed me lies and lies for years, I couldn’t and still can’t believe anything people say to me. As soon as someone tries to give me a compliment I shut them completely down. The criticism I get, I take it to heart. I wanted someone to make me feel anything, I just wanted to feel. No matter how hard I tried to break this cycle, I just couldn’t. Its still hard today. Its hard not to listen to the voices inside your head late at night. Its hard not to compare yourself to other people who seem to have this perfect life, while you are trying to deal with your problems.But every one of us has problems. We all have things we wish people didn’t know. We can’t change what they say or thing about us, but we can change what we think about ourselves. Now this is a very bold thing to do. Its hard to stop doing what you’re doing after its all you’ve know for years. Its hard not to believe what people say when you don’t even know what you can believe about yourself anymore. I used to be a confident girl. I thought I could do anything, now I didn’t have the best self-esteem but I did at least believe that I could do something if I just put my mind to it. I was happy with who I thought I was. But I wasn’t who I thought I was. I’m no where near her. I’m a bruised and broken girl just trying to find my way out of this. Now it hasn’t been all brass and dark. I’m not sure that I would want to be that girl again. I changed. I’m different. I see the world differently. I’ve learned more about myself this past year, than I have all the years I’ve been alive. That’s a silver lining.
I was in an abusive relationship for many years. It’s really hard to say that. I’ve had to tell myself that so many times over the last year, and even know its easier to accept but still hard to believe. You see all these stories about how many women are in abusive relationships, the husband or boyfriend hits them, or verbally abuses them. That isn’t any better that what happened to me. I’m not to going to sit here and tell you my sob story. I’ve forced myself not to go there, no matter how good or how bad the consequence might be. Most abused woman can’t say no to their abuser, because they fear the consequence. That was me. I was also too young to even know what was really going on, but thats another story. He said “I’ll kill myself if you leave,” or ” I’ll come after you.” All things which I believed, because he had been violent with other women in previous relationships.
It took years, but I got out of the “relationship”. But I never got out of the prison he put my mind in. I still haven’t, and to be completely honest, I probably never completely will. A real relationship isn’t abuse. It doesn’t bring you down, or bring out your worst. Real relationships mean that you can tell that person anything in the world and they won’t judge you. That you have someone on your side, even if you might be wrong. Real relationships don’t hurt. I’ve always thought that the instant someone lets you down, you leave. Now, I haven’t been able to this in my own life. I can never take my own advice. I’m not saying dony forgive people, or give them a second chance. All I’m saying is that if they let you down, on something you know they shouldn’t have. Run. If they want you change, and you try to and they still want more, change your mind.
I don’t have it all figured out and I don’t claim to. I’m sure that I will change my mind on some of my views as I get older, and I’m okay with that. Life requires growth.