When I’m not chasing demons

My favorite singer, Kenny Chesney had a song out a while back called ‘Demons’ and a line it really struck my heart. “When I’m not chasing demons, there’s demons chasing me”.  I think that is true to my life. I get involved with people that are bad for me, then once I shake them, they come chasing after me. I think this could be applied to a lot different situations.

For starters, I’ve made some pretty bad decisions, that being said I’ve also made some good ones. I’m my own worst  critic. I’ve heard it said that your worst enemy is in the mirror looking back. I am my own demon. I know all my flaws, the dirty secrets, things I could’ve done better, wish I would said differently, people I wish I’d never met, places I wish I never went. I judge myself for these mistakes. I preach my own funeral. I let what others think or say about me define who I see myself as. Do you ever wish you could see yourself from the eyes of a different person for just one day? I do. I wish I could see me how my Mom, or my best friend, or even my horses and my dog see me. They love me unconditionally. They don’t care about my flaws, bad choices,or even the worst thing that has ever happened to me. (I know I keep saying the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I will eventually go into detail about it, but right now thats all anyone needs to know. I’m not ready to talk about it. Maybe I never will, but maybe this will help somebody who has ever felt like I have.) I could tell them anything in the world and they would look at me with nothing but love and respect in their eyes.

What if you change one thing about yourself? What would it be? For me, it would be being able to forgive myself and not judge myself so harshly. Everyone has their own personal hell. Mine however was very much a public affair. I didn’t have the chance to heal in private or know what was going to happen next and be able to prepare. People just painted the picture for me, and I just sat back and watched. I lost the ability to control my own future. I had people telling me what I was and who I was going to be. I let what they said become what I would say to myself. I would even say mean things to myself  just to try and less the blow for when they did eventually say something. I called myself every name in the book. I believed that was who I was. Sometimes I still do. It isn’t easy. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t have problems, and that you don’t have problems, and that somehow someway one day they will all just disappear. Thats not the case. Thats no where near the truth either. They are going to haunt you down. You will think you have them beat then something else will pop up, something you thought you had conquered. Demons chase you. Once you’ve met the Devil there is no way he’ll let you be. There are going to be good days and bad days. The bad days make you appreciate the good ones. Somedays you will want to lay in bed, and cry. Sometimes you’ll cry for no reason. Some days you’ll be on top of the world. I’m beginning to think that life is just a big circle. It has its highs, and its lows. The highs are good. They make you believe in yourself. The lows, they suck. They make you want to beat yourself up for things that maybe you couldn’t even control. But nothing lasts forever. For every high, there will be a low and vise versa. I think life is finding the balance between them.

I will never be who I was before this happened, and I’m not sure I would want to be her again. Sure I’m a little broken, I have somethings that I’m not proud of, and things I wish I could do differently. But guess what? You do too. That doesn’t make me better than you, or you better than me. We both put our jeans on the same way. I don’t know much, but I do know is that you can’t let your demons win. If you would look back on your life when your 80 would you be happy with what you saw? Would you say I’ve lived a life of no regrets, or I was too scared to even live?  Right now I’m too scared to live. I don’t want to be hurt again. I don’t want give anyone that power over me. But eventually I’m going to have to. I can’t live like this anymore. I have too much to do and see, broken hearted or not.

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