Fighting Feelings

As I sit here trying to decide what I want to write today, all I’m staring at is a blank page. A page where you can write anything you want. All you have to do is start typing. Isn’t this kinda like life?  You can make life to be whatever you want it to be. You pick your career, where you’ll live, the kinda car you’ll drive, what you want to wear.

But the one thing I’ve learned is you don’t get to pick what tragedy will strike your life, or when. It could be the death of a loved one, a career move, or getting out of a relationship. For me, it’s the latter. The only thing you get to pick is how you choose to react. When my story came out, I didn’t know what to do. At first I wanted to hide, somedays I still do.  My worst nightmare had come true. My dirtiest secret exposed. At first I was in shock. Then it was embarrassment. Then it was denial. Then I was mad at myself. I still am. But I’m also realizing that no one could have kept that inside for that long.

I struggle with forgiveness. I always have. I can always, always forgive myself for a mistake I make on the back of a horse, but never for anything else. I’m still holding on to things that I did wrong when I was 9 years old.  Letting go has always sounded cliche to me. My doctors, therapist, and even my own sister told me to basically get over it. They even judged me not only for what happened, but also for not moving on in the correct amount of time. I don’t think you should let go. I think you should embrace what happens to you. Why let go of the things that made you who you are today?  The bad and the good, they all happen for a reason. I’m not sure I know what my reason is yet. Maybe its just prove to myself that I can get over it. Maybe its to show him that I can make it without him. Or maybe its to sit out on my back deck right now and complain to my computer as my fingers hit keys I didn’t know they wanted to hit.  Or maybe its that maybe someone will read this and believe in themselves. That the can get through it (anyone can if  I can at least try to).

It’s okay to feel what you wanna feel. Nothing will destroy your self acceptance, self worth, and self love than other than denying what you feel. Without your feelings you wouldn’t know where you are in your journey,or what areas you need to work on. Honor you feelings. Allow yourself to feel then, after all they are yours.  It’s ok to be mad, angry, upset, hurt, embarrassed  , not worthy, depressed, and defeated. You can stay there as long as it takes you to heal, to process, and to learn to cope. But it’s not okay to stay there and not to get back up. No matter how long it takes you. If it takes you years, take it. If you’re over it in a month, great get back up.  You have to get up. Most people find their strength when they are down on their knees.

Last night I went to a graduation for one of my friends who was the valedictorian. He said something in his speech that my Dad has been trying to tell me for a while and all I do is just roll my eyes, because “he doesn’t understand”.  Anyway what my friend said was “It doesn’t make a difference how hard you get hit, but it makes all the difference if you do or don’t  get back up”. It makes sense. I wish I had this deep prophetic quote to give you more guidance but I don’t. And as for the not understanding, no, no one will ever understand what you feel. But I think what makes us all connected is that pain is something everyone experiences.

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